by Marisue Alsobrook

Start Where You Are

Do you have a situation going on that makes you feel uncertain as to where to begin?  That’s ok!  Bloom where you’re planted!  Starting in the middle may seem a little odd, but that’s normally where most of us find ourselves. We all let behaviors slide until they are suddenly unbearable, harmful, or just annoying and then we think, “How did this happen?” Track down the how or why later. For now, just sit down and think about your child’s need to change.  When you can’t go backwards or forwards, then “bloom where you’re planted.”

Become Solution Oriented

As you begin to problem solve, I find it’s helpful to create a little atmosphere. I’ll refer to “atmosphere” frequently throughout my posts. Please don’t skip this seemingly unrelated or small step.  At the risk of over-simplifying, I’ve learned that it’s pretty hard to be ticked off and upset when surrounded with the taste and smell of warm cookies, cool or hot drinks, soft music, and green plants.  In fact, when I didn’t know exactly what to do about a behavior, which was often, I’d start baking cookies. It gave me time to calm down and think.  I found it comforting.  Later, I wondered sometimes if the kids acted up just to get homemade cookies.  Anyway, set the scene for quiet thinking and write down your thoughts.

There are no rules for “thought writing,” although I like to write short phrases with positives on one side and negatives on another. Then, I sort them into categories like “what needs to change” and “what it needs to become.” Or you could phrase it “Behavior Is” and then “Behavior Needs to Be.” Just make it comfortable for you.

Deciding what needs to change is a bit harder than we may first think. It’s the main step and deserves some carefully spent time from the parents. Unless the behavior is immediately dangerous to the child or others, clarify your thoughts and develop a strategy before approaching the child or administering a consequence. Children, no matter the age, seem to have the innate ability to sense if parents are confident and in charge.

To help you get started, here are some quick steps to deciding what needs to change and how to get results. (In other postings, you can read more details about child development and behavior management for each stage.)

1. Think about the age and stage of the child. (Is the age and stage of the child the major “push” behind the behavior? Actually, I can’t think of too many behaviors that aren’t age and stage, but taking a moment to bring that thought to the front helps to calm moms and dads. When we remember that 3 year olds scream, hit, and sometimes bite, we can breathe a sigh of relief that we are not alone in dealing with this and we CAN find a helpful solution somewhere.)
2. Name the behavior. (Just call it what it is. No rationalizing or fear of labeling, just name it and move on.)
3. Estimate how many times the behavior occurs. (What feels “constant”, may in reality only be two times a day. However, if you are with your child, for example, 2 hours of quality time before bedtime and the behavior happens twice in 2 hours, it begins to take on more importance. You need to have a clear idea of frequency, so you may want to “track” the behavior for a few days. However, let’s keep it simple, and just give it a number you think is accurate. Most behaviors don’t require serious tracking, though you may find the behavior management category helpful if you need further information.)
4. Name what the behavior needs to be. (Keep in mind that changes in behavior can occur slowly and sometimes kids go back to the unacceptable for a time, then move forward again. Be consistent and patient, praising each inch of improvement towards the goal. Sometimes just improvement is success.)
5. Now commit to spending some time allotted to teaching the behavior, which involves describing it, demonstrating it, and giving a reason for the change. (Refrain from saying “Because I said so.” We all want that respect of instant obedience but for most behavior changes, it just doesn’t happen that way. On the occasion that it does, it’s a pleasant and sweet gift, brought about by a solid parent/child relationship built over time.)
6. Think about the “reason” for the needed change in behavior. (Try to make it important for the child, and not so much about you. For example: telling the child “this drives me crazy” may not seem as important to them as “other people may not want to be with you” or “people will most likely listen to you when you refrain from interrupting them.”)
7. Practice your approach. (This is extremely important. When you’ve gone over it and over it in your mind and/or with your spouse, your actual talk with your child will have more success.)
8. Predict responses. (Think: “If I say this, they’ll probably say/do this. This really helps you to not over react or get angry and become distracted from your original message if the child slams doors or gives argument.
9. Try to not get side tracked by their reaction. (You can deal with those behaviors later. Perfectly behaved children aren’t built in a day. Remind yourself that raising kids is a process, not an event.)
10. Get ready, set, go.

Just do it. Don’t let all these steps be intimidating. Soon, they will be second nature, challenged only by the behaviors you’re wanting to teach.  Start Now, right where you are.

Related Posts:

1. Parenting Shortcuts? There Are None
2. Parenting Advice - The Secret to Effective Parenting
3. A Note About Parenting
4. 101 Ways To Be A Solid Mom ~ The Mad Zone of Parenting
5. Step Parenting: 10 Steps For Success!
6. Teens: Are We Interfering, or Parenting?
7. 5 Myths About Foster Parenting
8. Parenting Problems? Bloomin’ Where You’re Planted
9. Parenting: Giggle and Play, Twist and Shout
10. Parenting Infants: Rockin’ My Baby