by Marisue Alsobrook 

Selective Listening 

Introduction:  Do parents just not hear their screaming child at their table in the restaurant?  Well, they hear it, I think.  They just have a delayed listening/reacting habit.  Now, don’t get mad.  First, read my story about little Richie.  

Failure to Thrive 

Richie was two and a half when he entered our home and was one of our first foster children.  Due to a development disorder and failure to thrive, he was about 9 months old in his development, with stunted growth.   He had been fed a diet of soda crackers and water, and if his parents thought of it, they’ve give him a newspaper that he’d scoot back and forth across the floor.  When he wasn’t hiding from the torment of his slightly more developed brothers and sisters, that was the extent of his day. 

Under nourished and under stimulated, he did not speak, and we weren’t sure he could hear.  He did not understand the world around him. Those first few days we managed to get some fluids and baby food down him and were happy he’d improved slightly.  

Uncontrollable Behavior 

Behavior is a gift.  Especially misbehavior.  It will tell us, what the child, or person, can’t seem to put into words.  When training foster parents for the state of Oklahoma, I would repeat the “behavior is a gift” concept many times.   You couldn’t blame the foster parent for disagreeing at first.  It’s pretty hard see the destroyed furniture, the cut up $50.00 jacket, and the chopped  hole in the bedroom wall as a gift. 

I had reason to remember my own advice the first time we took Richie out to eat.  After days of being in the house we were needing an outing.  We called my husband’s mother and invited her to dinner at the local cafe.  Gathering Richie up with our older son, we drove to town.  As new foster parents, we wanted our friends and neighbors to see our new family.   We ordered Richie fries and chicken nuggets and coaxed him into trying a few bites.  After a few feeble tries, he’d reach for it, then refuse it.  For several minutes this went on at an ever increasing pace.  Over and over, he reached for the food and pushed it away, making this odd gurgling sound.  He was getting so frustrated that he began to bang the table.  People were staring and Richie just got louder and louder.

First Impressions

So much for our first impression as great foster parents.  Did I mention that my husband was the Assistant Chief of Police?   It wasn’t like we could fade into the background.  To this day, I’m sure people in the restaurant were thinking we were pinching the poor child. 

Coping Skills 

After what seemed like days of torture, we got the annoyed server to bring a little sack and we boxed up the food and got out of there.  As I turned to look behind us, my mother-in-law was going around the room to people she had known for many years saying “He’s not theirs, you know.  He’s a foster child.  They just got him a few days ago.  It’s not their fault and he really can’t help it.”  She offered that explanation to every table between us and the front door.  

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I did both.  When we got into the car, Richie was clutching his food and became quiet.  We gradually learned that his little “yes/no” fits were his only way of showing his stress.  He didn’t understand how to eat and everything tasted odd and different.  We also discovered that if we bagged the food up, and he held it, he felt more in control and his “public distress” became less frequent, as did our embarrassment.

Acceptable Behavior  

My point is, kids don’t always please us in public.  But please, if you take them to public places and of course, we must, be prepared to please the public.  Leave early.  Have respect for others; most won’t understand or think the little squeals we are so used to, are cute or endearing.

I know parents are in a difficult spot.  We have to shop and we have to eat and go to movies, and do all these things that keep us sane.  Just commit to not turning a deaf ear to the sounds and behavior of the young ones with you.  They will soon learn acceptable public behaviors when their fun is cut short if they “act out.” 

See my post “Outside self and Inside Self” for more tips and yes, more embarrassing moments.

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