Parenting Problems? Bloomin’ Where You’re Planted

December 2006
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by PIP ~ December 11th, 2006. Filed under: parenting.
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by Marisue Alsobrook

“Children often wish they were somewhere else. That’s probably a common behavior in most children and even adults, but foster children have a particularly difficult time with functioning where they are at that moment. Most of us take time for granted, moving casually from moment to moment and routinely taking care of the day’s business. Kids going through a tough situation seem to be stuck. They don’t move when things move around them, or if they do, it’s often in “opposition.”

Parent’s Role

The demanding and challenging role of the parent, is to teach these kids who are frozen in time, how to move and in what direction. As if we know? Ironically, before we became foster parents, we had to take a course entitled “MAPP.” And, many courses since. They knew we were going to need it. Even so, there was no magic. We did have a slight “picture” of what the kids in care may be feeling and thinking, and therefore, we had an indication of what they may do.

Meet Aaron. A small and wiry young 11 year old who wouldn’t weigh more than a gnat soaking wet. He hated us for not being his parents, hated his parents for not being good, hated his teachers and the rest of the world for not being able to take away his pain.

When trying to explain why he was fighting, he’d often say “They were in my way.” He hated where he was and he hated where he had been. How do you begin to teach a child like this? There were no easy solutions, just day to day inches of softer experiences. A moment here where he had fun, a moment there where he realized you did what you said you would, a moment when someone shared a toy or invited him in to a game. The blanket of new life began to be woven with every kind stroke.

Burning the Midnight Oil

Time taught us that “scripting” or “previewing” events and situations as simple as a trip to the grocery store was a valuable parenting tool. We learned to rehearse nearly everything, even with teens. Riding in the car could be a major event. These kids didn’t understand personal space and required the teaching of simple boundaries, repeatedly throughout their stay. I imagine you know a child who fits that description.

Self-Talk

Self Talk works. We all use it. Kids do, too, but mostly as negative messaging. Along with that, we somehow had to teach them about self-comforting and personal happiness. Think about that for a moment. When you are in a bad mood, how do you get out of it? When you’re sad, or mad, what works for you? Listening to music, reading scriptures, reading a novel, walking, cleaning house, working in the garden, taking a drive, talking to a friend - all of these are coping skills, but kids need to see adults use them, or be specifically taught about them. Abused and neglected children don’t know how to begin sometimes, and must be helped. However, they do know about anger, loss, pain. They lived with adults who didn’t react in safe ways to problems, so they know how to hurt, destroy, break, scream, plot, plan and stomp on all that is around them. They are ”loss experts.”

Erasing the Slate of the Past

Kids learn how to cope by watching their parents, so hopefully you don’t feel better by throwing huge fits, beating up someone in the home, or kicking the dog. Of course, we don’t walk around thinking “someone’s watching me” before we act and re-act. Yet, we would probably be better examples if we took the kids around us into consideration. I know I would have done a lot of things differently, if I had realized some little one was watching and listening. We only have to hear our little toddlers repeat something we’ve said, as they play or talk to others, to realize how important our daily actions can be.

Developing Parenting Skills

In order to send good messages to our kids parents must spend a large amount of time developing the skill of being a good example. They must learn to verbalize the “whys” and “how’s” of their own daily reactions and thought processes to everyday situations. It’s a “talk the walk, and walk the talk” way of life.

Watchful Eyes

Foster parents must kick these skills into high gear, because not only are the kids watching, but the neighbors become more aware, the school officials, your church, and guess who else is taking notes? The state. Our home was a virtual classroom of parenting skills, taught by little people as they entered and exited our life. In the 17 years of parenting other people’s children, we had intense learning experiences ourselves. We had to make the most of our moments, and tried to pass it on to the children. Believe it or not, with all these agency people watching us, taking notes and examining our lifestyle and routines, and kids throwing fits, or going back to sad situations…some mighty tough times occurred. Often we discovered days and weeks when we weren’t so happy either. Blooming where we were planted got us through the day.

Aim High

Aim high, when thinking about who is hanging out with your kids. Kids soak up all that is around them. They also learn from their teachers, the preacher, their neighbor, tv, radio, movies, cds, and so it goes. That’s pretty scary. When you give it some thought, taking a moment for us to plan a little more carefully who our kids spend time with, makes more sense. Keep your job simple! Surround your kids with positive images and examples! Time passes quickly, and our future is built on the past.

Life’s Lemons

One “simple” life skill, is making the best of what’s happening at any moment. If we can somehow master this emotional-life-saving characteristic, I think parenting, as well as our own life, would be so much easier.

As a young child, when I found myself upset or hurt, I’d go to my dad. Later, as an adult, when telling him a problem I was having, he would listen with his comforting sounds of “mmhmm” “Un huh.” “Hmph!” At the end of my story, I always knew he was going to work in the comment that taught me so much: “Plow straight ahead, kid.” In those four words, I found life.

No matter what had broken my heart, made me mad, or pushed me off track, taking dad’s advice of “Plow straight ahead, kid” would cause me to gain ground. Let’s re-word it: “Keep going. Try again. Don’t give up. Make it work. Bloom where you’re planted. Plow straight ahead.”

As a foster parent and to my own precious ones, I passed on that advice. Don’t give up, make it work, plow straight ahead.

Foster kids (and the rest of us?) waste so much time being bitter, wanting it to be different, looking at green grass “over there.” Parents, let’s show them, that all of us have the power we need to be happy, to push on, to make life what we want it to be.

There will always be events that knock us down, hills that seem too high to climb, pain that seems too hard to forgive or forget. We can and we must teach our kids to problem-solve, and to be part of the solution; to pull from inside OURSELVES, what we need, borrowing the strength of others as we need it, while giving birth to our own.

Let’s plant the seeds for beautiful blooms, by being a good example. The kids are watching.

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