by Marisue Alsobrook

“I behave!” was the frequent outcry of a little toddler we had in our home as a foster child.  And really, little kids we think are onery and unruly ain’t misbehavin’.  Most of the time, they are exploring and active and we have a hard time keeping up with their pace.  If it’s age and stage behavior, shaping and directing is the way to go, with mild consequences designed to get their attention, but gently.  Being too permissive or too harsh runs the risk of aiding and abetting whining and demanding toddlers, too soon to be teens.

The Buddy System -  The terrible twos is not so terrible if we keep a sense of humor and our home safe for their adventures.  Toddlers are quick to sense their power.  We want them to explore, learn and be safe and happy, and in all my years of parenting, I never discoverd how to tame a toddler’s energy.  Mostly,  I just tried not to pull my hair out, not to mention theirs.

Remember, the foster parent system for 17 years was our learning laboratory, teaching us many parenting skills as we learned from others and from our mistakes.  We found that many foster parents seek and find a mentor within their foster parent group.  Because of the unique challenges of foster parenting, a buddy in the system can be of great value.  One day, I was chatting with another foster mom, listening to her funny yet serious tales of trying to control a toddler who had recently been placed in her care.  She mentioned how difficult this little person was to parent, and I was sympathetic.  Yet, I remember thinking that how can a little tiny 3 year old be that hard to handle?  Well, soon, I had an opportunity to find out.   In my later years of parenting, I learned to be a bit more careful about spouting off regarding my parenting skills.  Doesn’t life always have a way of humbling us?  This one little person, taught us a lot about supervision and predicting behavior.  A parent can never rest.

Know When To Say No

You can say “no” so often it lacks meaning, and you can neglect to say it enough, totally ignoring misbehavior that can later become serious, harder to correct, or even dangerous.  During my journey as a foster parent/trainer, I found that most of the time “no’s” were not backed up by consequences, nor were they linked to any reason the child could understand and apply to a future incident.

Of course, as parents, I often say that by the time we know what we’re doing, we’re out of a job.

We were soon asked to take a young one, who was what the child welfare worker labeled “challenging.”   “She’s got a cute little pixy face and is full of energy.” the case worker said.  “Awww,” I thought.  “Bring her on.  We can take it.”  I replied.  I was full of confidence as my parenting skills flashed before my eyes.  We made the house ready, or so we thought.

In came Emily.  3.5 years old and traveling at the speed of light, she ran around the living room touching everything in sight saying “I behave, I behave.”  Huh?  What did this mean and how could I “catch” her?   After several tries, I finally grabbed her arm and said, “Whoa!  We walk in the house.  Watch.  Do what I do, follow, follow me.”  And so began the first of many lessons for dear Emily.  We taught walking slowly, what could be picked up and what could not, how to talk and not scream, how to pet the dog, how to stay in the room, how to sit still for 2 minutes.  She reminded me of a yo-yo; up and down and spinning around.

Stages of Child Development

” Oh that’s normal,” you say.  No, Emily gave new meaning to the name “terror.”  Our home soon took on a shredded look and our days were long and full of chasing Emily. I don’t think I ever said “no” so often before or since that little girl.

One day we were “Driving Miss Emily” back home from a visit with Grandma.  Hers, not ours.  We all had high hopes that Emily was going to be placed with Grandma.  Soon.  But, I digress.

Among Emily’s many skills, was coming out of a seat belt in 2 seconds flat and frequently.  Now, this was not a child you wanted loose in a mini-van traveling 60 miles an hour down the highway.   Under the seat, over the seat, behind the seat, giggling, moving, Emily.  All the while, saying “I behave, I behave.”  Someone had taught her that was the thing to say to avoid punishment, I suppose.  Finally, there was quiet.  We thought we should stop the car and strap her in, but the temptation to enjoy the quiet for a few miles, was too powerful.

Good Consequences for Bad Behavior

In a few minutes, we got the sense that something was not right.  We pulled over.  Lynn then put his great skills at investigating to work.  He got out of the car and opened the side door.  He soon discovered what had occupied Emily.  “Oh no!” he screamed.  He shut the van door and began to pace around and around the car.  I crawled into the back of the van to see for myself.  “Oh no!” I screamed.  I couldn’t believe it.  My brand new van!  My-first-brand-new-car-in-eighteen-years, van!

Little precious “I Behave!” 3.5-year-old Emily was very busy gnawing holes in the vinyl wall of the van.  Yep.  I didn’t know that 3 year olds had vampire strength teeth, and I had met the 3 year old I could not control.  We strapped her into her car seat, rather tightly, but legally correct.  She kept looking from my face to Lynn’s.  I think she was in shock.  I know we were.  I kept sighing, trying to find something positive to say.  Even Emily was silent.  Finally, I came up with, “I think her Grandmother said she was going to court next week.  She’ll probably be placed there soon afterwards.  Two weeks, maybe.”

Silence.  Then Lynn said, “That long, huh.”

But O, “Miss-I-Behave-Emily” was not through.  She still had a few more tricks up her sleeve, that girl.  Read my “Disappearing Act” blog to find out more.

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