by Marisue Alsobrook

Judging and Sentencing

“Judge, jury, kids, parents, it can all be confusing.  Order in the home and order in the parenting, is a must.  What does that mean?  Planning and thinking about parenting ahead of the time of crisis is critical to parental “power.”  Predicting their behavior in their teens begins when their born, and according to some science, even pre-natal.  But certainly, the rule of example and prevention in their infant and toddler years is always the best.  However, life interferes and we can find ourselves in the middle of teen trouble where it’s too late to go back and gain ground.”

Parents frequently ask me how to control teens.  Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but many times we should have done things differently before they became teens.  Most of us do wish we had paid attention to warning signs or listened more, as we see our kids heading towards disaster.  As we all have found out, good parenting of our children before they become teens can help avoid at least some situations such as drugs and pregnancy.

But, if I had the perfect answer, I’d be rich from the sales of THAT book.  Ok, enough of the lecture on “blaming the parent.”  Take heart.  Though I am giving warnings to those who will listen and learn from those of us who goofed, I really am not saying it’s your fault.  Kids can hurl towards the dangerous with the best of parenting.

Parenting with Humor

I guess we could put them to sleep when they’re 14 and wake them back up when they’re 25.  No?  Well, maybe we better stick to what’s legal.  It does seem that we spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to stand up and talk, and the rest of their life telling them to sit down and be quiet.

Self-Care

Believe me, there were times we wanted to knock ‘em out and not just with drugs.  Ha.  Well, since we can’t beat them, I  think a few good tools are definitely needed.  For order in the parental court, first decide how to survive.  You need a place and way to vent when you’re frustrated and the commitment to stay with it.  Venting can be in the form of writing, talking to a friend who won’t tell the pastor or call the cops, or taking time out in some accepted form like walking, going to a movie, reading, doing whatever absorbs you.  Where some of our parenting trouble starts, I think, is giving a consequence when we’re mad.  Quite by accident, as with most of my parenting, I discovered something that after some fine tuning, worked pretty well in our home.  It may seem complicated at first, but stay with me, it’s really simple.  Read on.

Role-Modeling

Kris, one of our teenage girls, was famous for keeping me busy with her arguing and disrespect.  She spent several minutes one day telling me that I was stupid and did not know my job.  I remember being so mad at her for back-talking me, that I couldn’t speak.  Kris was even impatient with that and followed me around the house, saying, “Well, aren’t you going to consequence me?”  Noticing how puzzled she looked, I took advantage of the moment and said “No.  Gee, I’m really mad.  It’s not fair for me to consequence you while I’m mad, so I won’t administer one until I cool off.  I think I’m going to take a “time out.” I went into my room and shut the door quietly. Of course, I wanted to slam it.

Attitude Adjustment

While in there, I washed the tears of frustration from my face.  My husband and I had become pretty good parenting partners through the years, so he finished up the running of the house that night while I remained out of sight.  He came in to check on me a few times, telling me that Kris was really confused and kept asking to see me.  We grinned at each other, mischieviously.   Hm!  I sensed the birth of power.

Parent Partnership

Shooting from the hip, he told the other kids that there would be no TV that night until “mom” had cooled off and decided how to consequence Kris.  Shocked that I was out of sight, the kids went into their rooms and turned on their own radios, keeping themselves occupied.  Kris flopped around the house trying to find sympathy, but the kids were saying things like “Thanks, Kris.  Way to go, now none of us can have fun.  You better make up quick because I have a LIFE.”  Kris found no sympathy and a plan was born.

Good Peer Pressure

That night, Lynn and I spent some time thinking how we just might be able to make this “Mom’s Time Out” work for us.  We decided to allow the other kids to have privileges, but on a more discreet level.  The foster kids weren’t allowed to have TV’s or computers in their rooms, but we decided to allow TV and computer time on a case-by-case basis.  We had a “parent den” which was set up as our escape room.  We decided that on these occasions, the kids could come in, use our computer or watch TV. (If you don’t have a separate room, a special area of the house would work, or maybe you could convert a walk-in closet to a TV/computer spot.)

Creating Private Space

This was a room that normally no one had access to except us, but during Parent Time Out, we would open it up to the kids not involved in the problem. (See my blog on “The Forever Family” for explanations on healthy and necessary differences between foster children and your children in the home.)  The kids enjoyed this room so much, that occasionally they would ask if someone was in trouble, hoping to use the special room.  It also helped the kids not become too mad at the child having a troubled moment.  You have enough battles in the house, without adding to them.

Over-Doing It

Note:  It’s very important that this parental time out tool not be over-used.  Another feature to the use of this tactic, was that we made sure whoever was excluded from the privilege room, was included the next time a parent was in time out with a different child’s issue.  In that way, all the kids learned that life could go on fairly normally when one of the kids was “out of sync.”

How Much Is Too Much?

Whatever the consequence, keep it simple, keep it quick, and keep it consistent.  I tried not to stay in time out too long, though this particular one lasted 2 days.  I was just having too much fun watching Kris’ frustration.  (Sorry, but parents are people, too.)  She kept saying “What am I going to get for yelling at you?”  She had not seemed to notice that by removing the TV and computer from her, she was already in the middle of a consequence.

Choose Your Battles

A war of words began.  I said to her “While I’m thinking of what to do, you have no privileges.”  “That’s grounding me!” she shouted.  I said, “No, that’s my time out and I need to think of what to do about what you did, and so right now you can’t do anything.  Grounding may come later.”   Of course, it was just a play on words, but it served to make her think about it.  I also added, “One thing that might help me end my  time out more quickly is cooperation from you.”  Kris, of course, noticed the other kids were going in and out of our den and she whined about it not being fair.  We just nodded and said something like “It probably seems that way, doesn’t it?”  (My version of “life stinks.”)

Timing Consequences

We didn’t play this game for long, and since I had her attention, I finally called her in for “the talk.”  We decided on a consequence and she seemed almost grateful to get it.  At least she was more compliant, glad to finally have my attention.

I never took things away for long, but I did take a lot away for a short period of time.  I found it was easier to take everything away for a few days, and restore privileges as the child’s good behavior returned.  They could “earn” TV time, phone time, or computer use by showing remorse and kindness, doing extra chores without being asked, or just being helpful.  It’s good to link the “earned back” privilege to something positive they have done.  It doesn’t hurt to sprinkle in some forgiveness here and there.

Note:  Yes, sometimes we couldn’t tell if their “remorse” was sincere, but how would you ever know?  At least they went through the motions, and it served as practice as they learned how to get along in the world.  Any child, but especially kids in care, need to know there is a way back. They are full of despair and mistrust.  Through experience, we learned that as we were taking a privilege away, we needed to routinely include the comment, “Now this privilege can be earned back as you begin to show remorse and an understanding of what happened.”  Remember, foster kids have a great understanding of loss, but they know little about happiness and success.  Small consequences can feel very big to them, and they can also appear to be totally unaffected.  You just have to learn your child by careful observation while they are in your care. A basic parenting approach is vital, but so is flexibility.

Teen Daily Lifestyle

Most kids don’t think of radio, TV, computer, time with friends, movies, shopping, talking on the phone as “privileges.”  It’s interesting to see how they live without them for awhile, but you have to be prepared for the complaining.  Your reaction needs to be unemotional and matter of fact.  No drama!  Thinking consequences through before you put them into place is extremely important.  As Kris was so quick to tell me, we sure don’t want to appear not to “know our job.”

Parent Plan

Consequence for success.  Most consequences will work if we have a plan and stick to it.  The consequences need to fit our parenting style and personality, yet we need to be willing to change or “tweak” what doesn’t appear to be effective.  Know your strengths and weaknesses.  For instance, I have trouble making “misery” last more than 48 hours.  I often talked to parents who grounded kids for weeks or months at a time.  But ,what I found happened during that time was that the kids were surviving quite well and I was miserable trying to  “police” the grounding.  I know it’s tempting though not realistic, to ground them for life, but make it easy on yourself.  We found that grounding kids for long periods of time, just made kids bitter, not better.

Unity in Parenting

Divided we fall. Very true for parenting couples!  Be united.  If you find a difference, table the issue and tell the kids you’re taking the matter under “advisement.”  While things are being considered, again the house went into minor shut down, if the issue was serious.  That one rule often stopped them from arguing with one parent because they didn’t want the parent time out time to begin.  When Lynn and I found ourselves in disagreement over discipline, we’d say to each other in front of the child, “Maybe this is something we need to conference about.” Our parenting rule with each other was that the other parent always had to agree with that request.

Partnership In Parenting

In private, we’d hash out the details.  There were many times I thought he was too harsh and he thought I was too soft.  Having different ideas about parenting is not the problem.  Letting the children “split” you is.  We gradually developed a large measure of respect for each other and our differences, agreed to disagree many times, and if we could compromise, we did.  I won’t deny that sometimes a problem took several “conferences” before we reached agreement.  But, that was our life and we were determined to be “partners.”

Before giving a consequence, take the time to predict outcomes.   Now, you may think that shutting the house down when one misbehaves is not fair to the rest of them.  That may be true.  But, we’re not talking about a long period of time and we all need to live through a few “unfair” times.  But consider the importance of peer pressure.  Plan how to make it work for you.  We thought the results were worth some uncomfortable moments.

Attitude is Altitude (See My blog with this title)

Develop a parental “stroll” that shows you in control.  You can fall apart in private.  When the house was on minor shut down, we tried to be casual about it.   Most of the time, the rest of the kids would take it in stride, too busy in their own life to be very concerned about the temporary shut down.  They enjoyed the special use of our personal room.  Teens are smart, and even when they’re pushing your buttons, they want fairness and over time, come to respect it.

Think about your teens, develop a plan before things go haywire, and work your plan.  Then, love them in spite of themselves.

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2. Teen Driving: Scarey Facts
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4. Over-Criticizing? Praising Children Improves Behavior! Catch ‘em Being Good!
5. 101 Ways To Be A Solid Mom ~ The Mad Zone of Parenting
6. Troubled Teens
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