Troubled Teens

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by PIP ~ December 19th, 2006. Filed under: teens.
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by Marisue Alsobrook

Troubled Teens are one of the biggest challenges in families today and even more so in foster families. When I look back at our hardest and even worst days as a foster parent, I’m looking right into the eyes of troubled teens. Not only are they hard to deal with, they can have a huge amount of influence of the worst kind over your own children. To give help to these teens in trouble, parents need to get help.

A teen doesn’t have to be in foster care to be troubled, yet many troubled teens find themselves headed to some kind of state monitoring and/or care if they aren’t soon brought back on track. Many factors in a teenager’s life can cause them to occupy themselves with:

Stealing
Teen pregnancy
Teen Drinking
Drug abuse
Lying
Sneaking Out
Reckless Driving
Poor Grades in School
Dropping Out of School
Fighting in and Out of the Home

Teen Advice

As you face your particular teenager’s trouble, remember that asking for assistance is not a sign of failure. Failing to ask, could be. Would we go into battle without armor? Arm yourself with information and one of the best places to get the information is from your teenager!! But, how in the world do you get a teen to talk or listen to you?

First, teens want to be heard and seen. So, begin by listening to them at every opportunity. With our busy lives, it’s easy to get distracted and place too much distance between ourselves and our teens. I know this is the hardest place to begin because teens in trouble are resisting time with their parents in the first place. However, teens are often troubled because the parental time has decreased and it soon becomes a vicious circle: teens in trouble need you around, but it doesn’t happen because they’re so difficult to be around.

Parenting Help

As our own boys hit the troubling years, I received well-meaning advice from family and friends. I didn’t know where to turn for parent help and I was beginning to not trust my own judgment. However, what those around me most often said was “You’re too soft. I’d kick ‘em out. I wouldn’t put up with my kids doing that, saying that!” I got so sick of hearing “tough love” that I wanted to scream, and did.

Tough Love for Troubled Teens

Tough love, the way my friends and other experts described it to me, was not something I felt good about or could even remotely do. Tough love for kids only seemed tough on me. My kids were my kids, right or wrong and they were always going to be welcome in my home. So, I began to think creatively.

Parent Plan

Teenagers caught up in rebellion need their parents. This push-pull relationship is hard but necessary. They won’t act like it, you won’t feel it, but they need you. For awhile, just understand you won’t be getting much love back from them. Live on yours for them. In foster care, we found that planning our parenting was vital. When we had direction and knew where we were going, almost always, the teenagers improved. For my own boys, I decided that instead of tough love, I’d give “smart love.” I created a plan that I could live with. When my kids were rebellious, I loved them harder. When they wanted less of us they got more of us. Our conversations went something like this:

When they smarted off and said “I hate my life.” or “I don’t care.” We said, “I know you don’t care. I care enough for both of us.”

When they were acting tough and sneaky we said “I love who you are but I don’t like what you’re doing.”

When we suspected drugs or drinking we said “You’re too smart to be dumb.” (Get them tested!)

Instead of saying “You’re friends can’t come here anymore.” We said “Our home is open to your friends, as long as you aren’t drinking, smoking, or sneaking out.”

When they said, “I’m outta here.” We said, “I know you want to leave. I need you to stay. This is your home.”

When they didn’t want to talk, we said, “I’m always here for you.”

When they stuck with dangerous behavior, we told them, “You have the power to break my heart. Please don’t do it. I’ll try not to break yours.”

When they pressed for unsupervised parties and staying out late, our words were “I want you to have fun. I want you to be alive tomorrow to tell me about it and to have more fun.”

If we suspected illegal activity, or they got tickets, we reminded them, “The law is a good thing, but the law can put you away. What do you really want?”

To break through the silence we often said “Tell me what’s important to you.”

Yes, it was exhausting. Yes, there were days I lost the battle. But I stayed in the game so I could fight again tomorrow. Why in the world would I send a troubled teen out into a troubled world, just because they weren’t thinking straight or were making my life hard? Parents stick it out through all the tough times, but they also go on with their own life. Somewhere you have to find your path to survival, and still maintain your relationship with your child. For me, it was sticking with them.

Family Time

Moms teaching teens don’t have to be a professional, just be there. Dad’s can have great success when they use the skills they’ve read and learned from people who’ve been there. As I remember the teens placed in our home, without exception, adult communication was missing or badly damaged in their life. Don’t underestimate the value of games for teens, as you plan time with your child. Teens in trouble often have no where else to turn except to other troubled teens. I’ve always said that kids don’t need their friends as much as they need their families, yet the time they spend with family seems to decrease with each passing day. We’re busy, too busy and kids don’t wait.

Peer Pressure

Too much time with friends, and too much idle time can send teens spinning towards trouble. This uneven path in life can be dangerous if the teenager gets involved in illegal behavior, such as drug abuse, stealing, or violence. Though not easy, it’s vital to get the teens involved in healthy groups. Peers can bring them down, but they can also help them make good choices. No doubt that peers have enormous influence. As a foster parent, we quickly learned that teens in trouble had many common factors:

Minimal time with parents or other positive adults
Too much idle time
Lack of positive teen club or group
Lack of participation in extra-curricular school activities
Difficulty in Learning
Untreated ADHD
Attachment problems or disorders
Sexually active
Lack of part-time work
Lack of parental or adult supervision

Self-Management

Teen jobs are more of a help than you think. We discovered that the busier the kids were, the better their behavior. Teens need to be actively engaged in healthy programs that are designed to teach them how to meet some of their own needs. The less you have to tell them, and the more they learn to manage their own behavior, the more comfortable life becomes for everyone. When they are busy, tired, involved, and earning their own money, they are then empowered to solve some of their own problems. Thus, the birth of self-respect.

Activities for Troubled Teens

Though recently on the decrease, teens turn to smoking mainly because they are spending time with other teens who smoke. In our home, we were faced with teen smoking, teen depression, teen pregnancy, teen drinking and teen anger. When we got them involved in work, even community service, they began to put aside some of their risky behavior. Teens are smart. When they are given good information, some of their troubles subside seemingly with ease, as they begin to make better choices. You can’t ‘FORCE’ teens to change with very much success. Yet, putting up safe boundaries are vital. Involve them in their own decision as to what activities they’d like to participate in and don’t accept “I don’t know” as an answer. As you listen to what they think, want, and need, you’ll probably come up with suggestions. Teenagers need to make many of their own decisions, and will surprise you with wisdom when they have a respectful audience.

Teen Mentoring

Remember, a most overlooked source of help for troubled teens, is OTHER teens. When we were parenting over 14 boys in a group foster home, we learned to seek out one or two teens who seemed to have a good head on their shoulder, and give them a bit of authority in the peer group. As we listened to the teens, these particular leaders could help move us forward.

Take it from a seasoned foster parent who’s been in the parental ditches, my advice is to seek teen advice.

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