by Marisue Alsobrook

Communicating with Teens

“Communicating with teens is the most important part of staying close to them during their critical years.  However, talking to teens can, at times, seem impossible on a good day.  If teens are troubled, conversation becomes practically non-existent, yet that’s when they need it the most.  But, how do we keep our “talk time” flowing, pleasant and frequent?”

Be There

Let’s go over a few basic principles:

1. First, even though your teen may be pushing you away, spend more time with your teen.  
2. Secondly, to prevent your teen or pre-teen from pushing you away, spend more time with your teen. 
3. In spite of job and other personal life demands, spend more time with your teen.  

In other words, nothing takes the place of time with your children.  No success OUTSIDE the home, can compensate for failure INSIDE the home.   Parent/teen talk time, is priceless.  

Make Progress by Remembering the Past

But, where do you begin?  When I was a teen, in my memory, my worse moments were when I felt no one was listening to me.  Most of the time, by example, my parents taught me that the most important part of talking is listening.    I would leave those conversation times feeling happier, with a solid feeling of self-worth.  Now, as a 14 year old, I’m sure I didn’t phrase it that way.  I just felt loved and important. 

Today, our kids are faced with enormous pressures and temptations.  If you want to understand that a little better, enter their world by  taking a short walk down the halls of their school as they’re walking from class to class.  Talk about an eye-opener.  Then, take what you learned back home, and resolve to arm your kids with YOUR TIME.   

Here are 5 Easy Teen Talking Points:  

1. Find what your teen likes, and then spend some time listening to them talk about it.  See what teen games they play or what teen magazines they’re reading, what movies or TV shows they’re watching, what videos interest them, and appreciate the skills involved, even if you don’t like the subject itself.
2. Refrain from criticizing or judging what they’re talking about.  Learn some neutral sounds and make them.  Such as:  “I see.  Uh, huh.  Oh.  Wow.  Well!  Yeah?  Hm.” 
3. Practice open body language, such as:  Leaning in to them, but not in their face; some eye contact, but not staring; pleasant facial expressions, but not exaggerated; nodding, but not constantly.
4. Ask questions that show interest, such as:  “What made you think that?  How did that make you feel?  What happened next?  What did you like the best?  What would you do differently?” 
5. End with a compliment:  “I really enjoyed our conversation.  I sure liked how you described that!  I think I understand more about your day, now.  Thanks for sharing your thoughts.  Let’s do this again.” 

Following these simple steps will open doors in your relationship with your teens and could prevent some teen trouble ahead. 

Tune In

The main thing to remember is to make the effort to stay “tuned in” to what is important to them.  Entering their world will allow you to understand what and how they’re thinking.  They won’t expect it, and I think you’ll both be surprised at how much your understanding of each other will increase.  Nothing sounds so sweet to a parent’s heart, as your young adult saying, “Mom, can we talk?”  

Even if you’re “square,”  be “there.”

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