by Marisue Alsobrook

“If you’re reading this, then obviously you are seeking a bit of relationship help.  In the next few minutes, let’s take a journey.  As with all worthwhile trips, instead of aimlessly wondering around, we need a bit of direction to make sure we’re spending our time wisely.  So, let’s develop a map.  In order to do that, we need to begin with some self talk.”

Self Talk

Self Talk directs our thinking and can be a useful strainer for our thoughts.  Like baking a delicious-contest-winning cake,  we want the best “ingredients” in our relationship.  Emotions can cloud our thinking, so sift through them, and put them aside for now. 

Ask yourself:

• What do I want that I don’t have in my relationship?
• Can I come up with any reason for those things to be absent?
• If my partner could do 3 (or 5) things to make the relationship better between us, what would those things be?
• Do I think my partner will make any changes if we discuss it?

And last and most importantly:

• What can I do that will help this relationship?  (Begin by listing 5 - 10 things you are already doing and then see if you can add 3 - 5 more.)

When thinking of what you can do to strengthen the relationship, make sure that what you decide upon depends only upon you, not how your partner responds.

Next, check and re-think your mind set.  This is harder than it seems and if it’s not difficult, then dig deeper.  Are you reacting too quickly?  Do you jump to your own defense regarding something that’s said because you’re really hurt about something else? 

Clean the Slate

While teaching first grade, I developed a behavior management system that involved points the kids could earn with a “catch ‘em being good” program.  Sometimes a student would have a really bad day, and at the end, had not earned any points.  However, when they were upset, I would remind them that tomorrow was another day.  Each day began with a clean slate for each child and yesterday was history.  Now, of course, sometimes it’s necessary to bring a lesson learned from a bad day into the present, but for the most part, we tried to forget the past and get over it, beginning the new day with a “new attitude.”

In a relationship, that’s extremely important as well.  If we weigh ourselves down with all the mistakes of yesterdays…it’s very hard to pull ahead and reach a new destination.  The burden of past errors is just too heavy.  I know it’s very hard to step out of your pain.  We hang on to it sometimes, because it’s what we know.  To let go, can be scarey. 

But, the surprise pay off of putting past pain behind you, is FREEDOM.  You can experience SWEET RELEASE and clarity of thought when you let the other person own their behavior and you decide to be fresh in your vision and thoughts for each new day. 

There are many ways to accomplish this; some people do deep breathing, yoga, walking and other forms of physical exercise.  All of those are helpful, IF you pair them up with some stiff resolve. 

Think something like this:

• I will think positive thoughts about myself and my partner.
• I will not internalize and hold on to their previous criticism of me.
• I will think their opinion is important.
• I will listen sincerely without interruption to their words when they are expressing their pain. Let there be  seconds of silence.  Think.
• I will make eye contact even if what my partner is saying is painful to me.
• I will seek out and read various “self help” material.
• I will realize I need to make changes and I will begin doing that.
• I will forgive myself if I’ve made mistakes and I will ask my partner to forgive me.  Once.  Sincerely.  Then, I will not beg for forgiveness anymore and I will assume I’ve been forgiven and I will walk free from past guilt.
• I will begin an activity that will focus my attention outside of myself, which will help me to avoid dwelling on the negative.
• I will make sure I’m living a healthy lifestyle.
• I will make time everyday for myself.
• I will make time everyday for others.
• I will do one or more things to improve the physical environment of the home. (This is very important - even if you only re-arrange the furniture in one room.  Add soft soothing music daily to your life; it should be playing in the background during meals, conversations and quiet evening time.)

As you read self help articles, books, or magazines, your life will begin to improve.  Realize that no one method is fool-proof; follow your instincts; be patient; and make sure other activities in your life are fulfilling. 

In summary, when listening to others, remember these three major rules:

1. The other person is entitled to their feelings.  Feelings are neither wrong nor right.  Listen to them respectfully, and when expressing yours, be brief.  Lead your partner in three ways:  example, example, example.  Make the decision in advance, that no matter how they push your buttons, you are going to respond in a way that is healthy.  Picture that way in your mind, even mentally rehearse it.  (See my other posts on responding to negativity.) 
2. The situation is almost never as bad as we think.
3. You do have control over how you feel and what you do.

Breathe, smile, keep going.  I wish you well.

Related Posts:

1. Spark Up Your Relationships! The Secret to an Exciting Relationship
2. Relationship Management
3. Easy Relationship Tips
4. Relationship Help: 8 Steps To What You Want
5. Humor, and Your Relationship
6. Romance: Keeping Romance In Your Relationship
7. Better Relationships: 7 Myths
8. Changing Yourself
9. Anger: Forgive It, Learn From It, Move On!
10. Thinking of Divorce?