by Marisue Alsobrook 

“I’ve been a foster parent for over 18 years.  Together, my husband and I have had hundreds of hours of training in the field of foster care, and then I have conducted hundreds of workshops myself for Oklahoma and Texas and other states across the nation regarding behavior in abused children, implications of separation on child development, family re-unification topics, and loss and grief. 

Through the years, I’ve developed a keen sense of the myths that seem to exist about foster parents in general.  Throughout all of my years of public-speaking, I have made a huge effort to increase an awareness of the reality of foster parenting.  I hope my tongue-in-cheek answers to popular myths about foster parents are understood here.  

There are many other mis-conceptions, and I will continue my efforts to inform the public and media about the many issues of foster care.  To foster parents everywhere, I know the 24 hour work you do and the committment you make.  I salute you and may God bless your life. 

Myth #1

“Foster Parents are in ‘IT’ for the money.”

Are you nuts?  Would anybody open their home, 24 hours a day to kids that don’t sleep, throw tantrums, break and destroy almost everything they touch, don’t recognize nor tell the truth about most things, are learning disabled, have been or are on drugs or alcohol, are sexually active or have experienced sexual abuse, have various annoying physical habits such as masterbating in public, cursing, picking various parts of their body, and either are completely un-sociable or extremely emotionally dependent, all for the pleasurable amount of about $300?  That amount of money will not replace your broken furnishings, lost/stolen items, lost sleep, nor will it cover gasoline to and from doctor, counselor, or family visits, and certainly won’t cover the increase in food and utility bills.  And I won’t even mention the times you’re embarassed by behavior you can’t explain to your neighbors, friends, and family because of having to keep their case information confidential.

Foster parents may be nuts, but they certainly aren’t in “IT” for the money.  Now, don’t misunderstand me,  occasionally, what passes through your front door is a completely sweet and engaging child.  Just check their pockets before they leave.  ( KIDDING ) I’m not bitter; just keeping it real.

Myth #2

“Foster Parents should treat foster kids like they would their own.”

WRONG.  These kids are not yours.  And, if your frequent trips to their case worker, the court, counselors, and their extended family members don’t remind you of that, perhaps their out of control behavior will.  It’s perfectly healthy and even necessary, to let your own children know they are the “eternal” family, all other children are ”passing through.”

Not only does the state enter in and out of your life constantly, but the skills you use to raise your own children who have healthy foundations and are well grounded, only help you a little.  You soon realize that you need to dig out a few more parenting tools from the toolbox for the foster kids.   And never forget, these kids are in care with one primary goal, FAMILY RE-UNIFICATION.  All states have that as a priority, after safety, though it’s not easy to detect it due to countless delays in case planning.  Foster kids don’t need you to be their permanent parent.  They need you to FIRST keep them safe, THEN care,  and FINALLY, be skilled in teaching them how to care and cope with their life.

I remember Raymond, age 13, came to me complaining one night that our own children were allowed to stay up later than they were.  I said something like this to him “Yes, you’re right, they are.  You see, they share their most important possessions with you.  US.  So, after we spend a good portion of our day with you, we close the day by spending some special time with just them.  You are here for some time with us, and then you will be going home one day.  This IS our children’s home, and we need to make sure the time they have to grow up includes time alone with their parents.  I hope you understand, but even if you don’t, I won’t apologize for spending time with my own children.”  I repeated this as often as necessary to foster kids, who were always “measuring.”  I always said it with gentleness and a smile, but we remained firm.  Our kids were forever.  We were helping, but not giving “ALL.” 

As a foster parent, it only takes a few times to see the pain of frequently sacrificing time with you, on the faces of your children, to teach you a valuable lesson of making time for your own “nucleus” family…your kids.  I didn’t go into foster parenting to cause my own children pain.  I mean, think about it.  If we’re falling apart, how can we help others? 

When we started having private family time, our children relaxed and seldom resented the sometimes trumatic and always dramatic intrusion of foster kids.  These kids come with a lot of baggage, and it can have a huge impact on your own family.  Hold your own kids a little more tightly, please.  And drop the apology.

Myth #3

“I’d love to be a Foster Parent, but I just get too attached.”

If I had a nickel everytime I heard that statement in the last 18 years, I’d be a rich woman.  I never found the right come back, but I wanted to say something like “Not me, baby.  In our house it’s just ‘out with the old and in with the new.’  We don’t get attached, they’re just all numbers.”  or “We’re in it for the money.”

Of course, I was being facetious and of course, we all cared.  To imply that foster parents can let kids go because they don’t get attached is simply not the case.  But, we learned that these little kiddos are “people.”  To be truthful, some we cried over, and some we couldn’t pack their bags fast enough when it was time for them to go.  One little 3 year old kept us hoppin’.  She was enough to keep the Army and half the Marines up at night.  She ate holes in the wall of our mini-van, broke furniture, smeared everything in sight with slobber and food, traumatized our pets, caused us to have a neighborhood search as she hid in a large plastic outside toy for 1/2 a day, and did unusual things with rolaids that I won’t mention here.  We threw a pizza party when she went home to grandma. 

Loss is a foster parent’s daily experience, in more ways than one.

Myth #4

“The term ‘Foster Child’ means the same as ‘Adopted Child.’

No.  We have two adopted sons who came to us first as babies in the foster care system, but we legally adopted them when they became legally free.  Many times, people would refer to our foster children as adopted, using the two terms as one.  Foster kids are still in state care, adopted children are yours.  Believe it or not, the kids of either situation are sensitive about the terms.  I did many workshops with school teachers, and as we discussed the needs of foster kids in the classroom setting, this was an important piece.  Foster kids don’t like the term “foster child,” and adopted children really hate to be called “foster child.” 

Use labels sparingly.  One to avoid completely is:  “Is this one your REAL child?”  That phrase brings back vivid memories of conversations with well meaning people…my comeback was “No, they’re all fake.” 

Myth #5

“Foster Parents are kept hidden from the birth parents.”

Except in extreme cases, this is no longer true.  Soon after placement in the foster home, the foster child has visits with family members who are considered to be safe.  Often in a matter of days or weeks, a visit with a safe parent or extended family member is set up to lessen the child’s sense of abandonment.  Many times, phone calls are allowed from child to family member, either from the social worker’s office or later from the foster home under certain conditions. 

Throughout the time of placement, the foster parent will have a role in the visit with the birth parent, often modeling healthy parenting skills, or exchanging information or other general conversation with the birth parent or family members.  While their actual address may not be revealed in the beginning, it is not uncommon for family members, with approval from the state, to actually pick up the child from the foster home or another neutral place for visits.  Safety is always the first consideration, but where possible, all parents are brought together for brief and later, extended times.  That’s progress.  And, yes, it can be very unpleasant for the child and parent at times, but it is overall, a healthier existence.

Stay tuned to this website for more myth-busting-foster-parent-facts, and a few wild stories.

Related Posts:

1. Better Relationships: 7 Myths...
2. Parenting Advice - The Secret to Effective Parenting...
3. A Note About Parenting...
4. Parenting Shortcuts? There Are None...
5. Step Parenting: 10 Steps For Success!...
6. Parenting: Begin Where You Are & See Improvements...
7. Parenting Problems? Bloomin’ Where You’re Planted...
8. Parenting Infants: Rockin’ My Baby...
9. Teens: Are We Interfering, or Parenting?...
10. 101 Ways To Be A Solid Mom ~ The Mad Zone of Parenting...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.