by Marisue Alsobrook 

“If I had to give one single piece of advice about how to change kids’ behaviaors in the home, the Family Meeting would be number one.  I tested on over 250+ foster kids and 3 of my own.  My husband, now that it’s just the two of us, still have Family Meetings. 

Do you want to see better behavior in  your children? Do you want them to understand each other more clearly? Do you want everyone to “just get along?”

Try the Family Meeting!

The secret to using the family meeting tool is “practice makes perfect.”  Except that perfect will never happen unless you decide that ending the meeting with no one crying or fighting is the definition of perfection.  Success is measured in inches but felt deeply.  And, the meeting skills are mainly acquired  “on the job.”  However, there are some easy strategies that can get you off to a good start.  When using this tool to strengthen family relationships, it’s important to establish a clear vision of what you want to gain from your family meetings.  The meetings should have structure, but not be so stiff that enjoyment is impossible.  Family meetings can become chaotic, so be prepared for some rough beginnings.  However, with preserverance, you’ll soon be on a journey of great discovery.

Parenting many children at once gave us the opportunity to learn a lot from family meetings.  We also had some blow ups, as kids do fight and disagree, and we all lost our patience at times.  Remember, the meetings are a place of learning.  The Family Meeting is a stage, full of performances, emotions, and debate.  Hidden talents and sometimes negative personal issues can surface as kids learn to listen, communicate, organize and accomplish.  Give this tool a chance to work.  As you see everyone grow and mature, you’ll appreciate the meetings and might even wonder how you ever existed without them. 

The Measurement of Success

The measurement of success is in inches.  At first, expect a few sighs and groans, which makes it all the more fun to hear your kids say things like “I’m bringing this up at the family meeting.”  or “Can we talk about this at the next meeting?”  “Can I be the ‘facilitator?’  and even “Can my friend Susie (Bill, Bob, Debra…) come to our Family Meeting?”  Though that question shows your child’s great interest in the process…most often say “NO!” to company.  Family Meetings are watered down when you have frequent guests.  Keep the meetings personal, private, special, and mysterious to those outside the family. 

How to Begin the Family Meeting

Here are a few basic principles to think about as you develop your own Family Meeting style:

• Keep the meetings short.
• Have an agenda.  Let the kids contribute to the items on the agenda during the week before the meeting time.
• Develop rules for placing issues on the agenda. 
• Subjects too personal (parents rule on this one) are kept for private conversations.
• Have a starting and ending procedure.  Example:  Start with singing a family song, saying a prayer, reciting the pledge, etc.  End with a similar approach, and maybe a short summary and a preview of next meeting.
• Begin with a positive, round-robin type activity, where everyone says something positive about the person on their left (for example) - keep to one or two sentences.  The beginning of the Family Meeting can be done in a variety of ways, be creative, just keep it simple.  It’s very important to start on a positive note.  PLUS, it’s hard to criticize someone when you’ve just said something positive about them.
• Have a short, fun, interactive game in the middle of the meeting.
• Try adding a few talent show nights.  Performing is a great stress reliever.
• Let the kids do the annoucing, narrating, and as much of the directing of the meeting as possible.  Let little Joey age 10 say something like:  “I’ll turn the time over to Dad and then Mom is going to talk about the picnic on Saturday.”  The person directing the meeting should have an outline to go by before the meeting begins.  Keep the structure flexible, but present.
• Serve light refreshments.
• Stict to the time limits.

Family Meeting “No’s”

• NO ARGUING.  Table that subject, speak to individuals privately, then re-address the situation when calm prevails.
• No Interrupting of other’s comments.  Wait your turn.
• No phone calls, or answering the door.  Respect the meeting by putting the “world” on hold for an hour or so.
• No extentions on time limits for meetings unless everyone agrees. 

Expect These Life Lessons:

• Tabling some issues teaches patience and that not everything can be solved in 30 minutes.
• Respect for differences of opinions.
• Looking for positives.
• Problem solving.
• Power of Persuasion.
• Learning how to say “no” to interruptions.
• Setting priorities.
• Sharing.
• Communicating.
• Listening.
• Participating in a group setting.
• Waiting.
• Respect, respect, respect.
• Appreciation.
• Gratitude.

Be creative, consistent, and positive.  Seek information about Family Meetings in books and articles or even from others who hold them and always be willing to change and improve.  On the flip side, keep some things routine as that lends a feeling of predictability and security to the meeting.  To help with attention span differences, large families may find it helpful to have 2 separate meetings - starting together, separating for age and stage benefits, and then regrouping at the end.  Enjoy.

“Family Meetings can be especially helpful for teenagers.  Though initially they may react with opposition, the meetings appeal to their desire for self management and control.”

Read more posts, here on the Family Meeting, and good luck!

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