by Marisue Alsobrook

Peace in the Home

“What are the subtle but ever-present influences in our everyday life?  If we can’t solve the current family problem in 30 minutes, what can we do to improve the situation?  How can we help?  It’s the atmosphere, the atmosphere!”

Have you ever walked into a room where people were talking, and felt stiffness in the air?  We don’t have to hear what people are actually saying to feel the telltale signs of disagreements, discontent, and disrespect.  Just being in the area can make us feel uneasy.  I think we’ve all had that experience, and even though I can’t explain it, I know we’re affected by those “vibes.”

Environment and Behavior

As I think about the challenges of parenting, relationships and an ever changing life, I can’t separate the home environment from behavior and feelings.  When upset, we seek improvement and solutions but often overlook the simplest of tasks that are quite do-able and produce amazing results.  My discovery of how the actual home environment can change the behaviors of family members took place quite by accident, but isn’t that the way it normally goes?  Here you are, upset and anxious and pure nerves make you start cleaning, cooking, or banging away on the furniture and rearranging things.  Then you shower, brew some tea, turn on some music, and stuff yourself into a chair to nurse your feelings while contemplating the next step.  As your family drifts in and out of the home, they re-act to the new smells, changes and “order.”  Quite unexpectedly, you begin to see that people are more calm.  Footsteps and voices become softer.  Peace enters, at least for awhile.

Travel with me, for a moment and let’s take a closer look at our environments.  If you have a fond memory of visiting a relative in your childhood, picture that in your mind.  Put yourself in that place.  What do you see?  Smell?  Hear?  Why does it feel good?  What were others doing that gave you comfort?  Let’s take a stroll down memory lane, and see what we discover.

Lessons From Life on the Farm

For me, I can hear my Aunt Gussie snappin’ beans, smell the freshly baked biscuits from breakfast, and a yummy pot roast baking in the oven for supper.  I hear the creaking of the old rocker and smell the sharp scent of cherry tobacco in my uncle’s pipe, as he rests from the day’s labor.  I smell hay in the distance, and can hear the cows softly mooing in the late evening.  I was always comforted somehow, by the repeating routine of the day when I visited that Oklahoma farm of my summer childhood vacations.

Chickens were fed early and clucked with pleasure, the screen door always woke me with a loud repeating bang as the workers left the kitchen before sunup, full of huge breakfasts and strong coffee.  I could hear them talking with great anticipation about the expected lunch of the day.  My aunt’s days were about cooking.  Cookies, pies, breads, jams and jellies lined her shelves.  Memory may be off in accuracy, but the flavors are easily recalled to my tongue.  O, for the good old simple days.

Simplicity and Routine

Simplicity and routine seem impossible in a busy day, to me now.  Of course, being young and visiting the farm made all chores a pleasure, for me, but for my aunt and uncle, it was a hard life that created aches and the pains of heavy lifting, nurturing large gardens, and an ever present concern about mother nature’s role in their crop harvest.  Yet, there was a feeling of home, and the plain country house never lacked for warmth and welcoming.

Now, apply that concept to our own life.  As a foster mom, great experts in the field would tell me to step over the confusion of the teenager’s room, let them have their space.  While I could appreciate the “pick your battles” theme of that instruction, somehow letting clutter rule their world seemed only to be adding to their chaotic and often disrespectful behavior.  I know I get really frustrated when I look at clutter in my own room or desk.  I hate not being able to find things I need.

We heard in frequent workshops, “If they don’t do their laundry, then let them wear dirty clothes.”  Well, love and logic has it’s place, but I’m not traveling in close quarters with kids who smell.  I knew many teenagers and young children who had no problem with being “stinky.”  In my experience, without exception, when kids cleaned their rooms and kept things in order, their behavior improved significantly.  After many years of struggling with the belief taught in many workshops about letting kids have rule over their space, I came to my own conclusion that something more needed to be done.  Sloppy habits led to sloppy work; messy drawers led to frustration over lost items and even fights, and dirty clothes were embarassing.  If we want to raise responsible, capable, and self-reliant children, then lets begin by teaching at least the bare basics of cleanliness.  I don’t think their room should have to pass the white glove test, but it needs to be at least orderly, don’t you think?  Moderation is the guide.

Added to the “respect their space” and “let them have the natural consequence and be dirty” themes was more book wisdom that said to “understand that their music is a stage and a statement, let it be their choice.”  Again, up to a point, I agree.  These things sound good in theory, yet, good judgement tells me that nothing “good” comes from listening to songs about hating others, encouraging violence, and having sex at will.  Consequences of these behaviors are hurtful to our society, as a whole.

Teaching Respect

What’s the big deal about teaching respect?  Remembering the simple chores of the days at the farm, and how Aunt Gussie could melt you with a look if you didn’t pick up your clutter, I instructed my teens to put order to their room, gave them a day to do laundry before fun, and made cds pass a parental concert hour.  As these rules were followed, I saw a more frequent softness in the home.  Kids had pride as they cared for the possessions they often purchased with their hard earned money; they took pleasure in looking at least clean; and pleasant music in the evening contributed to respectful conversations.  We experimented with an hour of boring-sleepy-lawrence-welk-type music before bedtime, and the kids had to admit they were sleeping better, which had the added effect of helping them get to school on time.  I also noticed that during this required quiet hour, the kids would drift in and out of the room where we were, talking or sometimes just sitting and listening, or strangely enough, reading!

The Power of Change

There is power in change!  Now, I’m NOT saying that everytime there’s discord in the home, we need to do major reneuvating or re-modeling, but an extra clean living room, and a kitchen smelling of something yummy is pretty sure to at least bring out a “mmmmmm” from a disgruntled teen.  So, take some time to look around with a new eye, and see what you can change.  Adding cheerful blues and calming lavenders, and stimulating reds can give the whole family a new attitude.  And, I KNOW just changing the music can help create an atmosphere of calm, where conversations can begin to bridge differences, and understanding and respect is born anew.

When we’re upset, we have a tendency to “freeze,” letting our frustration paralyze us and keep us from enacting change.  If you can’t change the situation, change the home a bit, and see what happens.  I believe you’ll see a difference.  It’s not a cure-all.  It is a beginning.  Try it.  You’ll like it.

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