by Marisue Alsobrook 

Are You Caught In Crisis?

Crisis’ leave us feeling confused, often not knowing what to do next.  The secret to stress management can see elusive and unattainable.  If your current situation seems too large for you to handle and you feel tied up in knots, take heart.  Slow down for a minute; take some deep breaths, and give yourself permission to not have to solve the problem immediately.  Decide to just survive for the moment, so you can work towards a better solution as time permits. 

Loss Experiences

Some years ago, when our 2 youngest sons were about 11 and 12, we lost our home to fire.  A bathroom heater had faulty wiring and caught the wall on fire, which resulted in destroying our home, killing our pets, and throwing us completely into chaos.  My husband was working for the US Marshall’s office at the time and was out of town, on assignment in Washington DC.  Quickly, they got word to him, and he flew home, arriving to burning ashes and a safe but disoriented family.  For the first time in my life, I was not able to think or act.  I felt grateful we were alive, but so upset that we had lost everything.  My boys were blaming themselves for leaving the heater on, and I was trying so hard to console them.  “Accidents happen, ” I said.  “It’s part of life.  It’s not your fault.” 

The Absence of Home 

Our home gone, we did not have a place to go to sit down and put a plan together. Neighbors, friends and our church were lifesavers.  My friends from church would literally take my hand, lead me to a place to sit, and tell me what they were going to do.  I felt as if I were a robot.  Nothing was famililar, not the beds we slept in nor the clothes we wore.  I had to let others lead me.  Numbly, we got through the next few hours.  Within 3 days, we had a rent house in the country, a house full of necessities such as appliances, food, clothing, bedding.   After talking with our Bishop, we arrived at the rent house, to find a cleaning crew from church vacuuming and receiving the first few truck loads of donations from church members, friends, and even people we didn’t know.  One elderly man came to our door with a whole set of dishes and said, “Here.  My wife and I saw the fire trucks come.  We felt so bad.  We want you to have these.” 

Intervention

Intervention is just a fancy term for letting others help.  Miracles do happen.   Right after the fire, my children and I sat hugging each other, looking in amazement at how everything we owned was turned to ash.  Our beloved pets were gone, and though we were safe, our hearts were broken.  As bad as I hated to see my kids suffering and crying with sadness, I knew that we needed to grieve.  Protecting our children from real feelings is not really protecting them. 

Letting others know of our need and situation, resulted in the solution being brought about by the generosity of others and I learned a very vauable lesson.  Let go, Let others, and Let God.  It was hard to have someone else put my life back together.  I was so independent and normally gave help.  I didn’t know how to receive.  I learned it’s okay to need someone’s help.  It was very humbling and unforgettable. 

When stress hits us, we can experience a  ”brain freeze” that keeps us from thinking clearly.  When that happens, give in for a moment and let some of it out through either tears, or talking with a friend or loved one.  Crisis enters everyone’s life and in today’s world, sometimes it seems that we go from one tough situation right into another.  Whether it’s losing someone you love, losing a job, or another kind of change, we can be consumed by the pain and stress.  We naturally fight the pain and push it away, but it just comes right back until we deal with it.  Giving yourself permission to cry and be upset is actually healing.  It hurts to cry, but crying also relieves the pain, and even though it will come back, it gradually gets a little easier to think and problem solve.  When hit with a problem, resolve to “Bounce Back!”

One Step At A Time

Here are some steps that will help move you through your stress:

1. First, take care of your physical body.  Shock affects your body in negative ways; you may not sleep, you may feel pain all over, your muscles may be stiff, you may experience a number of sensations and problems.  Deal with shock first.  Nibble on some comfort food such as:  oranges and berries, guacamole, mixed nuts, asparagus, and dark chocolate.  Drink some hot tea, such as lavender, decaf chai, chamomile or peppermint for it’s calming effects, or green tea for over-all health.  Say a prayer, clean a room, and take a walk or even a drive if someone else can do the driving.  You may not feel like doing any of these things, but you need the endorphins that physcial exercise releases.  Those endorphins will help you calm down and until you’re calm, you won’t be able to take the action necessary.   Doing normal things during abnormal times is like dropping an anchor to settle a boat.  Don’t skip this step and repeat it everytime you feel yourself sinking.
2. Ask for help.  Don’t try to do everything yourself.  Gather close to a friend, but think about who you rely on carefully.  You need a friend who won’t make your stress worsen.  Call someone who is strong, a good listener, and doesn’t have a lot of personal issues going on as well.  They need to be able to keep confidences and give guidance.
3. Take care of your emotions, as they interfere with problem solving.  Let it out through talking or shedding tears; giving yourself enough time to feel calmer.  Put off decisions until you’re calm and run them by a trusted friend for review and a second opinion.
4. Use Self Talk!  Say things to yourself that give you control and peace.  Say something like:

• “I’m ok.” 
• “I can do this.” 
• “I’ll think of something in a little while that will help.” 
• “I’m not alone.  I may feel alone, but I am not really alone.” 
• “Everyday will bring me closer to the solution or peace.” 
• “It’s ok not to know what to do.  This problem will unfold one thought at a time.” 
• “I will ask others for help.” 

Repeat often.

1. When you’ve reached a more calm place, begin to write down your thoughts and then pick out possible actions and solutions from them.
2. Call up your sense of humor, even if it’s long distance. (ok, that’s a joke.)  Laughing releases stress!!
3. Decide who can provide you with solid, sensible, “can-do” advice.  Call or go see them.
4. Realize they cycle of crisis can repeat, and you may go back and forth between peace and panic.  Following the same procedure each time will give you consistency and power:  take care of physical self first, then the emotional, then seek help again. 
5. Chunk it Up!  Big pain leaves us feeling small and powerless.  When there is a lot to do, break it up into sections.

Breaking Stress Into Manageable Pieces

Think of how you would go about cleaning out the garage, or planning a festive occasion.  What would you do first?  What would be the hardest?  What is the easiest?  Who would you delegate to?  When caught up in the emotions of something painful, we forget that the same organizational skills that we use everyday can also carry us through difficult times.  Again, break down a “big” problem into smaller, more manageable chunks. 

Your list might include three or more chunks:  1) Today: What I Can Do Myself, 2) Today: I Need Help With, 3) Tomorrow.

Basically, you want to be physically ok, emotionally in control, and have a plan of action.  Think of small things first, and gradually get to the tough, big picture.  Realize too, that sometimes things can’t be “fixed” completely, but they can be managed and improved.  Stick with it, and be good to yourself. 

Author’s Note:  If you are really feeling depressed, and if the feeling seems to worsen, please consult a doctor or counselor so they can decide if medication or counseling will be beneficial.  Read other posts on relationship help and crisis.

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