by Marisue Alsobrook 

Anger problems are something we all have sooner or later.  Life is tough and tempers can flare easily when something happens that causes us pain.  The other side of anger is a light, airy place.  It’s full of peace, harmony, respect, happiness, and caring.  It’s where we all want to be.  You may find yourself living with someone who always seems to be mad.  Or, maybe that someone is you.  Either way, I say “Stop It!”  Today, we’re going to take a clear and fresh look at the anger in your life. 

“You Made Me Mad!”

“You made me mad!” is a common thought for most of us.  In fact, it seems we can feel mad over just about anything without much effort.   Hardly a day goes by that we don’t think “That makes me mad!” at least once.  For some of us, we may find we’re caught up in anger frequently.  Let’s take a look inward, and then come out on the other side of anger. 

First, being mad, or angry is a choice, and I want to speak very candidly about how it affects you and others in your life.  I have categorized anger into two kinds:  Righteous Indignation and Destructive Anger.  Today, I’m not speaking much about righteous indignation, except that you should use it to get over the destructive anger.  But, more about that towards the end of this chapter. 

If you are living with someone who is hurting you with their frequent anger, this chapter might help you see their behavior and your choices with new vision.  If you are the angry one, I hope my words will move you towards change.  Anger comes from fear; fear of rejection or pain, and we often find ourselves imitating the behavior of others in our lives, or maybe we’ve invented our own heavy approach.  Frankly, except in extreme cases, I don’t really think we need to spend a lot of time on why we do what we do, but instead, spend the time correcting and changing. You can see the damage out of control anger causes.  That should be the motivation to change your behavior.  If you raise your arm while talking and people around you flinch or duck…you need to change.  If you live with someone, who makes you duck, you need to get to a safe place and quit rationalizing that they “don’t mean to.”  Either way, eliminating destructive actions on our part is a must.  I might be labeled “impatient” when it comes to dealing with the anger of others, but after watching 250 angry kids who came from angry parents, who also came from angry parents, come in and out our revolving parental door, I’ve decided the why’s are just a lot of noise.  We must begin the journey towards improvement, in spite of what’s “pushing” us.

We don’t have to be a psychologist to see that anger destroys everything it touches and is on the rise in our families.  The “why’s” are probably because we carry around excess baggage filled with pain from yesterday.  And today, we aren’t showing our children how to be mad.  Unchecked, screaming, stomping toddlers can become screaming, hitting, eradic adults.  For now, let’s look at what we can do, as adults, with our own anger.  If reasons are the driving force and we decide we can’t overcome that, then we all need therapy and let’s just keep on being mad, because everyone is damaged goods to a certain extent.  Everyone’s got a story.  For me, and the purpose of this writing, I want us to push the why’s to the side and look at our behavior with eyes towards change. 

Volumes of information have been written about anger.  You can analyze yoursef to death over it and not accomplish anything.  Leaving the why’s for the therapist to discover, will allow us to cut to the chase and agree that changes need to be made for the safety and security of those we love.  I’m going to sift through the heavy reading and give you the short and sweet version.  After you read this, if you really want to gain control over your temper, you will come through to the other side of anger.  (By all means, for more benefit, continue your research on this subject!)

Anger Is Natural

Angry people spend a lot of time justifying their anger.  We all have tempers, we all get mad; one could even say anger is a natural emotion.  Uncontrolled anger, is NOT.  Hurting others with words or physical blows puts holes in your relationship that are hard to fill back up.  If you are justifying hateful words as acceptable, because after all, you didn’t hit anyone, think again.  Words are devestatingly close to blows, often having even more lasting effects.  Hurting others with nasty words and behavior just because you got mad, is writing a history of sadness and pain that will not be easily erased.  It is far easier to learn to control yourself, communicate in healthy ways, and utilize “walking away” and taking breaks instead of breaking things until you are calm, than it is to re-build what anger has broken apart.  Take the first step now and begin to build skills that will last a lifetime, giving peace and happiness to yourself and those around you.

Healthy Boundaries

If your anger frequently disrupts your daily relationships, you can stop it.  Now, today, you can decide to think before you react; to take deep breaths, to take a walk, to punch a sand bag, to jog, or do countless other things besides hurt the ones you love with your temper.  For over 18 years, I lived with angry children who filled their day with rantings, cursing, hitting and pushing others, destroying property, and getting revenge, always justifying their destruction by saying “You made me mad.”  Being a victim of their parent’s rage left gaping holes in their own development.  Filling those holes with skills for a more functional lifestyle was our challenge and many many times, we failed to bring them to a more healthy approach to handling situations in their life. There just wasn’t enough time to undo the damage.  Kids do what their parents do, most of the time.  However, we all CAN change, if we have the desire and see the need.  The earlier we begin, the easier it is to learn healthy boundaries.

Out of control people puzzle me.  I just can’t see the gain of cussing at drivers who cut you off, screaming about the price of gas, or getting so upset when people misspeak.  Surely I’m not so different than you, I just automatically step out of most daily frustrations.  My family members will tell you, when I get mad, they know something beyond the norm happened.  That “temper control” is not my “nature.”  (Tho’ some would argue that point.) I believe it was a learned behavior and choice from my childhood.  I learned early, that temper costs more than it’s worth.  I saw it in the lives of others and I didn’t want it in mine.  Simple enough, so let’s use that simplicity, to work this anger situation out.

Here are some important Temper Tamers:

• Use the most valuable tool on the planet (other than prayer)…Self Talk!    Talk yourself out of it before you tell your loved one off!  Talk to yourself for 5 minutes saying things like:  “Stop.  I’m going to think about the damage of my words and actions.  I am probably over-reacting.  This is something I can overlook.  This is minor.  I don’t have to explode.  I can think about something else.  I can try to understand their view.  I can agree to disagree.  I can overlook this, I don’t have to WIN.  I can give them space and I can take space for myself.  I can walk away for awhile.” 

Learning to utilize “self talk” is a book by itself.  It is the most valuable of all self management tools.  I use it everyday and my relationships have improved considerably over the years.  We can train ourselves to think about and rehearse many things in our minds before we say them outloud.  Asking yourself questions like “If I say this… they’ll probably say or do this… and that would cause this… and then…”  and so it goes.  Soon, you’ll do this almost instaneously, and will often decide it’s best to remain silent and let the angry moment pass. 

The steps to “Self Talk” are:  

• Stop. 
• Think. 
• Predict. 
• Choose.

Next Temper Tamer:

• Remind yourself how much you love the person.    No single event, or even a continual bad and irritating habit, is worth damaging or losing a relationship.  Most of the time, our anger and hurt feelings can be cleaned out of our system with taking time to weigh the loss if we don’t.

Decide to quickly remember why you love them, how much they mean to you, and how they probably didn’t mean for what just happened to hurt you.  Always, always, put the damage an angry reaction could cause right in front of your minds’ eye.  Everytime, pop up that “damage screen” so that it can stop you from going any further.  Don’t speak or strike out first and then have to undo the damage later.  One day, it will have cost you too much.

The Art of Forgiveness

• Forgive It and Forget It.  None of us gain any happiness or stature by holding on to pain, anger and resentment.  Constantly feeding this fire only serves to burn more of what we need and value.  Step back, step away and step out of it. 

Let me reveal a brief journey where I learned a very valuable lesson.  About 15 years into my marriage, a personal friend I worked with made a big play for my husband.  Being no one’s fool, he was smart enough to tell me about her flirtation before I found out from someone else.  Even so, I was really surprised with my rather strong desire to just smack her!  I couldn’t turn my thoughts off, which caused me not to sleep well for several nights.  In my mind, I told her off a dozen different ways, one of which involved tying her to a light pole in town with a sign around her neck that read “traitor” or “I have no honor.”  I won’t mention other revenge that came to mind.  None of these thoughts made me proud.

A few days later, I saw her at work.  She avoided eye contact, yet she didn’t know that my husband had said anything.  It dawned on me that I just might have some power here.  I smiled at her and walked on.  I could see that  she was definitely uncomfortable around me and maybe I could have some fun with that.  I made excuses to go by her desk, and offered her coffee, snacks, and even a little lapel pin she had once admired.  Oh, she was squirming.  This was getting to be fun.  The next day, I bought her lunch.  She was nearly in tears.  Power is addicting, and I upped the anty by talking about how loyal my husband was and how much we had been through in all the years; I even shared some foster parenting and police stories.  Her eyes glazed over and she was looking at every one who came in the door.  Afterwards, she began to avoid me like the plague.  I snickered, inwardly.  I was having too much fun.  Finally, about 2 weeks into this, I took pity on her and asked her to come into my office for a moment.  Coming in a like a mouse, she backed up against the wall and tried to assume a confident pose. 

Smiling sweetly,  I said,  “Lisa.”  She gulped.  “Yes.”

“Lynn told me about your offer.”  I said. 

“Oh,”  she replied.  She kept staring at me.

I said, “Yes, and I must say it’s not very original.  Do you think you’re the only woman who’s ever made an offer to him?  He’s a policeman and women throw themselves at him everyday.  It’s the uniform.  It makes some women weak in the knees.  Personally, I think they’d bring him back, but I’ll never know ‘cuz he won’t leave.  All that aside, what hurt me was that I expected more out of you.  You were my friend.” 

“Were?” she gulped again. 

“Were.” I confirmed.  “As a human being on the planet, I care about you.  But, as a friend, you crossed the line.  I don’t trust you anymore.  I forgive you.  I can’t carry this anger around, it’s too heavy.  I’m sorry you did this, I feel a great loss, however I do forgive you. I don’t want to be mad about this anymore.”  As soon as I said the words of forgiveness, this huge burden lifted from my shoulders and I was light as air.  I realized I had carried this burden by choice.  Looking at her, I confirmed that my anger was my choice.  She was just a mis-guided woman, who didn’t  understand the meaning of loyalty, love and friendship.  I didn’t want her in my life anymore, but I was no longer angry with her.  Smiling at her, I said with surprise, “Man, I feel so much better!” 

“Well, I DON’T.”  she said.  “I feel just awful.  I feel sick.  I can’t believe your reaction and I’m getting mad, but I don’t know why.”

“I feel great.” I said, again.  “I wish you the best, hope you learned something from this, but I think this is where we need to say goodbye.”  She nodded and went out the door, shutting it almost with a slam.  (We never spoke much after that, and soon she went to another job.)  Forgiving others doesn’t mean you have to keep exposing yourself to their behavior, or even continue the relationship, but it does release you from the desire to hurt them or be less than you want to be.  I called Lynn.  “I’m better now.”  I said, giggling.  He asked “What’d you do, beat her up?”   

“No, but I thought about it.  Actually, I might have beat her up emotionally, though.  I forgave her and it really ticked her off.” 

He said,  “Women!  You’re all crazy.  See you tonight.” 

Finally, I had my life back.  Now, I think we can all get to the point of forgiveness much more quickly than I did and if we realized how good it feels, we’d do it more often.  You know, maybe God told us to forgive others, so WE wouldn’t be burdened with the anger, not just so the other person would benefit.  Holding onto anger breaks us apart.  It waters down our thinking, diluting our ability to live our life.  When we forgive someone else and give up the anger, I think we just might be the one who grows the most. 

Now, in my life, when someone hurts me, I may cry, I may even be really mad for awhile, but soon, I make a conscious choice to step out of it.  It’s not always easy, but it always helps me get through the day.  Tomorrow comes, and it deserves, even requires, our full attention.  We don’t need the excess baggage of yesterday weighing us down. 

Temper Tamer #4:

• Use exercise and distraction to get you through the moment.  Create an atmosphere designed to help you unwind and get to a more peaceful place.  Be as creative as you need to be to accomplish this.  I wouldn’t advise giving into the temptation to gorge on food, instead do something physical that will start those natural feel good hormones jumping.

In summary, do something about that temper.  First, stop and think, give yourself the gift of time, and your relationship the gift of peace.  Forgive the hurt, release the pain in a healthy way.   Welcome to the other side of anger.  Doesn’t it feel good?

Author’s Note:  If you have violent tendencies that are not under control, please seek help from a counselor, your doctor, or pastor. 

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