by Marisue Alsobrook

This basic information about anger, is a great place to start when thinking about anger and how to change it for ourselves or our reaction to others.   As we become familiar with the characteristics of anger, it’s then easier to dodge it when someone is throwing it in your direction.

Plus, once we understand the emotions and behavior that are common to anger, we can see our ability to control it.  Taking the time to read this information should point us all in the right direction.

(Some Information is From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia - with comments added from yours truly, Marisue)

The term anger management commonly refers to a system of psychological therapeutic techniques and exercises by which someone with excessive or uncontrollable anger can control or reduce the triggers, degrees, and effects of an angered emotional state. - wikipedia

Self-Control - Anger Control

Surefire techniques for controlling anger are:

• Do No Harm
• Stop Talking
• Stop Staring or giving dirty looks (look in the mirror when you’re  mad)
• Leave the Room - Walk Away - Step Out Of It
• Use Self Talk to Cool Down
• Pause for the Cause
• Predict Outcomes or Reactions of Others

Finding agreement by identifying the other person’s feelings first.  Saying something like  “I can see that you’re upset.  I probably should help more around the house.”  (Remember the 2 “F’s” - Feelings First, Facts Later.)

Competent teachers, law-enforcement, and other authority figures are especially skilled in anger management, though teams of such practitioners may decide beforehand or in real-time, to play “Good-Bad Cop” roles.

For those who have tangled with the law because of anger, courses in anger management may be mandated by a legal system. Typical anger management “techniques” are:

the use of deep breathing and meditation as a means to relaxation.  - wikipedia

Other interventions include:

• learning empathy
• stress management skills
• forgiveness
• changing self-talk
• improving optimism.

As the issue of anger varies from person to person, the treatments are designed to be personal to the individual.

Anger in Today’s World

In today’s world, anger is viewed as an immature or uncivilized response to frustration, threat, violation, or loss. Conversely, keeping calm, coolheaded, or turning the other cheek is considered more socially acceptable. 

While controlling violent and argumentative situations is vital to relationships, we don’t want to be so controlled that bottled up anger has caused us to have persistent violent thoughts or nightmares, or even physical symptoms like headaches, ulcers, or hypertension. - wikipedia

Anger can and often does:

aggravate several mental health problems 

fuel depression -wikipedia

People who are depressed generally:

• don’t take care of themselves in appearance and health
• they may not bother to eat properly
• they may dress poorly, be unclean,
• act confused or distracted
• be unable to complete tasks

They often indulge in self-destructive activities such as: 

• too much drinking
• smoking
• overeating
• taking risk
• not watching their finances.

Depressed people have less energy, reduced appetite, and need more sleep. Their work performance will drop and relationships will deteriorate.

Psychologists report that depression is in fact anger turned inward. The reason for this assumption is because many depressives react to stress by turning their anger inward as a response to physical or emotional abuse, or neglect from parents or parent figures.

After a while, the coping mechanisms become habits that they use inappropriately and indiscriminately whenever they perceive loss or frustration. Depressed individuals tend to grow up believing that if they are hurt or abused, they only have these options: 

• self-blame to the extreme
• denial of blame to the extreme
• putting the blame on others to the extreme

One secondary effect of the depressive’s denial of anger is that their interpersonal relationships are often unhappy and they do not get the ‘breaks’ that other people seem to get.

They may not get promotions, social invitations or love because the reality is that most people do not want to be around depressed people for any length of time, both at home and at work.

Another side-effect of anger is that it can fuel obsessions, phobias and addictions. Obsessions and phobias arise from situations when, for some reason or another, we feel we are either losing control of ourselves or the world around us. Anger can also fuel manic tendencies.

Many people who are not able to express their anger let it out in furious activity. Sometimes this activity reaches a breaking point and results in clinical depression or even bipolar disorder. Anger can also fan the flames of paranoia and prejudice, even in normal, everyday situations. People tend to express their anger either passively or aggressively with the basic ‘flight’ response, which is repression and denial of anger. Aggressive behavior is associated with the ‘fight’ response and the use of the verbal and physical power of anger to abuse and hurt others.-wikipedia

Symptoms of Anger

Anger can be of one of two main types:

• passive anger 
• aggressive anger.

These types of anger have some characteristic symptoms:

Passive anger

Passive anger can be expressed in the following ways:

• Secretive behavior - such as: stockpiling resentments that are expressed behind people’s backs or through sly digs; giving the silent treatment or under the breath mutterings; avoiding eye contact; putting people down; gossip; anonymous complaints; poison pen letters, stealing, and conning.
• Manipulation, such as: provoking people to aggression and then patronizing forgiveness; provoking aggression but staying on the sidelines; emotional blackmail;  ingenuine tearfulness; feigning illness; sabotaging relationships; using sexual provocation; using a third party to convey negative feelings; withholding money or resources.
• Self-blame, such as: apologizing too often; being overly critical; inviting criticism.
• Self-sacrifice, such as: being overly helpful; pointedly making do with second best; quietly making long suffering sighs but refusing help; or lapping up gratefulness and making friendly digs where it is not forthcoming.
• Ineffectual, such as: setting yourself and others up for failure; choosing unreliable people to depend on; being accident prone; underachieving; sexual impotence,;expressing frustration at insignificant things but ignoring serious ones.
• Dispassionate, such as: giving the cold shoulder or phony smiles; looking cool; sitting on the fence while others sort things out; dampening feelings with substance abuse (to include overeating); oversleeping; not responding to other’s anger; frigidity; indulging in sexual practices that depress spontaneity and make objects of participants; giving inordinate amounts of time to machines, objects or intellectual pursuits; talking of frustrations but showing no feeling.
• Obsessional behavior, such as: needing to be clean and tidy; making a habit of constantly checking; over-dieting or overeating; demanding that all jobs are done perfectly.
• Evasiveness, such as: turning your back in a crisis; avoiding conflict; not arguing back; becoming phobic.-wikipedia

Aggressive Anger

The symptoms of Aggressive anger are:

• Threatening, such as: frightening people by saying how you could harm them, their property or their prospects; finger pointing; fist shaking; wearing clothes associated with violent behavior; driving on someone’s tail; setting on a car horn; slamming doors.
• Hurtful, such as: physical violence; verbal abuse; unfair jokes; breaking a confidence; playing loud music; using foul language; ignoring people’s feelings; willfully discriminating; blaming or punishing people for deeds they are known not to have committed; labeling others.
• Destructive, such as: harming objects; knowingly destroying a relationship between two people; driving recklessly; drinking too much.
• Bullying, such as:  threatening people; persecuting, pushing or shoving;  using power to oppress;  shouting; using a powerful car to force someone off the road; playing on people’s weaknesses.
• Unjustly blaming, such as: accusing other people for your own mistakes;  blaming people for your own feelings; making general accusations.
• Manic, such as: speaking too fast; walking too fast; working too much and expecting others to fit in;  driving too fast; reckless spending.
• Grandiose, such as: showing off; expressing mistrust; not delegating; being a poor loser; wanting center stage all the time; not listening; talking over people’s heads; expecting kiss and make-up sessions to solve problems.
• Selfish, such as: ignoring other’s needs; not responding to requests for help; queue jumping; ‘cutting in’ when driving.
• Revengeful, such as: being over-punitive; refusing to forgive and forget; bringing up hurtful memories from the past.
• Unpredictable, such as: blowing hot and cold; explosive rages over minor frustrations; attacking indiscriminately; dispensing punishment out of the blue; inflicting harm on others just for the sake of it; using drinks and drugs that are known to destabilize mood; using illogical arguments.-wikipedia

It should be stated that anyone displaying any of these behaviors on occasion, does not always have an anger management problem.

Methods of Anger Management

Psychologists recommend a balanced approach to anger, which both controls the emotion and allows the emotion to express itself in a healthy way.

Examples of Anger Management are:

Direct, such as: not beating around the bush; making behavior visible and conspicuous; using body language to indicate feelings clearly and honestly; anger directly at persons concerned.

Honorable, such as: making it apparent that there is some clear moral basis for the anger; being prepared to argue your case; never using manipulation or emotional blackmail; never abusing another person’s basic human rights; never unfairly depowering the weak or defenseless; taking responsibility for actions.

Focii, such as: sticking to the issue of concern; not bringing up irrelevant material.

Persistent, such as: repeating the expression of feeling in the argument over and over again; stubbornly standing your ground.

Courageous, such as: taking calculated risks; enduring short term discomfort for long term gain; risking displeasure of some people some of the time; taking the lead; not showing fear of other’s anger; standing outside the crowd and owning up to differences; using self-protective skills.

Passionate, such as: using full power of the body to show intensity of feeling; being excited and motivated; acting dynamically and energetically; initiating change; showing fervent caring; being fiercely protective; enthusing others.

Creative, such as: thinking quickly; using more wit; spontaneously coming up with new ideas and new views on subjects.

• Forgiving, such as: demonstrating a willingness to hear other people’s anger and grievances; showing an ability to wipe the slate clean once anger has been expressed.

With regard to Interpersonal Anger, Dr. Fiendler recommends  that people try, in the heat of an angry moment, to see if they can understand where the alleged perpetrator is coming from.  Empathy is very difficult when angry, but it can make all the difference in the world.  Isn’t it frequently the case that when we get intensely angry at someone, the next day we feel guilty to some degree?  We may say to ourselves something like, “You know, they did have a point. I sort of over-reacted.”  Taking the other person’s point of view can be excruciating when in the throes of anger, but with practice it can become second nature.-wikipedia

Listening with Empathy

Try to listen carefully to what is being said to you.  Anger creates a hostility filter, and often you interpret what you hear in a negative way. 

Buddhists, on the other hand, recommend a slightly different approach.  They believe that there are several antidotes for handling anger,  the chief amongst them are: patience; understanding karma; equanimity; and realization of emptiness. -wikipedia

The main issue is that anger is regarded as an incorrect projection of the mind, so that wisdom and insight can ultimately correct the mind and eliminate anger completely. Anger can be healthy fuel for change, or it can destroy all it touches.  The choice is up to the user.

What will be your choice?  I hope it will be to solve problems and do no harm. 

Related Posts:

1. Anger Management - A Fresh, New Attitude!
2. Anger: Quick Facts
3. Life Links: Anger Management Tips for Living
4. Anger: How To Talk When Mad
5. Anger Contract
6. Anger: Forgive It, Learn From It, Move On!
7. Crazy Cravings and A Warehouse of Worthless Information
8. Anger Problems? The Secret to Self Control
9. Anger: Famous Quotes
10. Divorce Help: Legal Tips, Spouse Anger, Pain, Money