by Marisue Alsobrook

Introduction:  Do you have someone close to you who is in grief?  Are you struggling trying to talk to those in pain? I know you want to help. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing much.  Please avoid giving well meaning advice.  Listen.  Make comforting sounds.  Hug or don't hug.  Be there.  Say you care.  Cook a little for them.  Don't talk too much, they can't hear you.  Nod.  Cry a little with them.  Come back often.  Try to get them to do something physical, but be gentle.  Be sensitive.  Be there.

What People  in Grief Say About What They Want to HearWhat You Say…(What I Hear)

Over the years, people in grief have often said to me that they wished they could tell people who are trying to help them to "Stop telling me how wrong I am or what to feel!” 

I've made a list of what people seem to want when they're hurting, straight from their own voices:

1. What people in grief seem to want to hear most is silence. 
2. No advice. 
3. They need understanding nods. 
4. They need you.  (Companionship.) 
5. The don't want comments about how they "should" feel.
6. They want a strong, firm, understanding presence that will do some of the normal everyday things that the grieving person can't seem to accomplish such as:  Take out the trash. Cook a little. Help them dress or do basic housework. Then,
7. Talk about anything; talk about nothing.
8. Don't tell them how to feel. 
9. Don't act like there are rules they should be following.
10. Let them be. 
11. Give them hope, but no instructions.  
12. Understand that they hear you, but lots of what you say will most likely not "sink in."
13. Be patient.
14. Care and share the pain. 
15. Don't make them feel responsible for not sharing their pain because you can't handle it.
16. Understand their anger may be misdirected at you.
17. Forgive them.
18. Understand they may go through the motions, but be screaming inside. 
19. Stay with them and come to see them more often than is comfortable for you…they will need it.
20. If they have lost a child, don't act like the remaining children can fill the gap.
21. Don't tell them there are others worse off than themselves.
22. Don't always try to have the answer.

I give this to you, as others have given it to me over the years, I hope it helps you deal with those you love who are in pain.  I know it seems like there isn't much you can say.  And, you're right.  Go with your instincts and your love for them.  You are helping them more than you may think by just being there and walking through the pain with them.  God Bless.

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