by Marisue Alsobrook

 

“To spank or not to spank.  At some point, all parents face that dilemma.  Maybe you have thought:  “I was spanked, and I turned out pretty good.” 

Almost every parenting class I ever taught, someone would make that statement.  Most of the time, that person was over 50 in age.  Those of us who grew up during the 1950’s and 1960’s had the luxury of growing up in strong neighborhoods.  What you heard from your parents, you heard from your preacher, your neighbor and your teacher.  Families seemed to be on the same page on most serious issues, and communities helped raise your children by sharing many of your values. 

What a different world we have today.  Violence is widespread.  We see it on TV, video games, movies, and hear it in our music.  It’s common and sometimes kids see and hear so much of it, reactions to it are minimal.  We see outrage is over small issues, possessions, likes and dislikes, and are not shocked much regarding the violent behavior of people and countries.  

The decision to spank or not to spank is a personal one.  I think a spanking that comes from loving parents given to children who are basically loved and protected can be effective.  Still, at best it’s a temporary fix for a wrong behavior.  I’m not sure it teaches much.  Make your decision, but for this discussion, let’s take a look at some points I’ve run across in my parenting years.  

After parenting 3 kids of my own and more than 250 children in my home through the foster care system, I have come to the conclusion that not much good comes from spanking, and a lot of harm is at risk. Here’s how I got there:

First, for this discussion, let’s define spanking as repeated strikes to the buttocks area of a child by an adult.  I do not define a swift swat to get a child’s attention for the purpose of saving them from a greater immediate danger as “spanking.” 

Volumes have been written on the subject, cities and schools attempt to govern it, and for the most part I say keep the government out of parenting, except in cases of abuse.  (But, we’ll get to that subject later.)

For the child who responds well to correction, a mild, swift swat works to get their attention.  But, for that same child, they would respond just as well to a verbal reprimand, explanations of rules, and loss of priviledges or sometimes just affection.  Most often, the child you are inclined to spank is in need of more loving attention instead. 

I have countless examples in my own parenting experiences where children who received a hug when they appeared to least deserve it changed their behavior almost immediately from bad to good.  Most of the time, if you’ll admit it…spanking is more about the parent than the kid’s misbehavior. 

Here’s the “good” of it:

1. It can stop the behavior for the moment.
2. It makes the parent feel like they’ve done something.
3. It gets rid of the parent’s adrenalin rush from anger.
4. It demonstrates authority.

11 reasons Not to Spank: 

1. It shows you can hit and they can’t. (You can never get away or explain away this one fact.  You hit them, they hit others, it just works out that way.)
2. It is at best a quick and temporary, solution.
3. It can quickly turn to abuse and physical harm as the child resists.
4. It teaches nothing about the reason not to do something.
5. It has psychological reprocussions.
6. If used repeatedly it can do emotional harm.
7. It can make the parent seem like the enemy.
8. It can appear to be about power.
9. It makes everyone involved feel bad and guilty. (Or it should.)
10. It builds resentment.
11. It leads to a succession of more severe hits with repeated use. (Three hard hits intead of two, etc.)

Correcting Children 

Correcting children, in the home or in public, isn’t easy.  It takes time, creativity and planning.  We are inclined to trip over our emotions, forgetting that our first responsibility in raising children is to

1.     Do no harm.

2.     Think ahead.  

These two basic parenting rules can carry the family safely through many challenging situations.  We can handle our children’s mistakes positively, if we are prepared. 

Do No Harm 

The secret to “do no harm” and “think ahead” is to develop the habit of pausing when something happens that needs to be corrected.  Visualize and predict your child’s reaction.  Think “If I do this, they’ll feel or do this.“  Remember, the definition of discipline is to teach and should not to be confused with punishment, which is an entirely different approach. 

Think Ahead by Thinking “Back”

Today, I’m paying tribute to good parents, everywhere!  I was reminded of my parents a few days ago, as I observed a young boy in a restaurant, eating breakfast with his parents.  What happened to him, had happened to me, but my parents’ reaction was completely opposite of how this dad responded. The 8 or 9 year old was evidently a little bored with all the adult conversation and had begun to fidget.  As he reached for his glass of milk, he accidentally knocked it over and of course it went all over the table, a few drops landing onto his dad’s lap.  His dad jumped back, muttered loudly and snapped his head towards his son, glaring at him as the child hunkered down in the seat.  The dad made several exaggerated movements, slinging the milk off his hands and muttering.  He lifted his plate up, threw his napkin down, and generally called attention to himself and the accident.  Dad continued to slam things down as mom jumped up to wipe up the mess.   

Correcting Children’s Mistakes 

When correcting children’s mistakes, think about the outcome.  Did what we do help?  For instance, as the dad showed his anger, at first the young boy seemed embarrassed and ashamed.  He hadn’t set out to do anything wrong. Then, as his dad continued to sling things around, “I don’t care” appeared across the boy’s face and defiance settled in.  He was in defense mode and Dad was on the warpath.  Throughout the meal, the dad glared at his son, the son looked around the room.  The dad ignored him with his posture and attitude.  The son ignored the dad.  This seemed to be a familiar pattern in the family and I can understand how it happens.   

Use Humor to Teach Coping Skills

 

 

Humor can change the moment and teach coping skills, but often parents are tense and stressed and forget how to laugh at small things.  I identified with both the parent and the child.  A parent can become frustrated dealing with children’s mistakes, time after time. 

The spilt milk brought back vivid memories of my own experience. As a child, knocking over my glass at the table was so common, that when I came to the table, my family members automatically moved over a few inches, stiffening slightly.  Everyone was braced for jumping as they kept one eye on my glass.  Try as I might, the glass always went flying across the table.  Learning quickly, my parents adapted to the situation by giving me a half-filled plastic container.   

Yet, the best thing they did was keep their reaction casual and their tempers hidden.  In fact, my dad would often put his hand to his chest in mock humor, saying something like “Whew!  That’s a relief!  It’s over now and we can all relax.”  We’d mop up the mess, napkins always nearby, and smiles continued throughout the meal.   I don’t remember feeling like a failure, or an outcast. 

I was always embarrassed at my clumsiness, but mom and dad seemed to know that and offered an encouraging word.  One day, my brother was asked to give the blessing for the meal, and he quickly finished the prayer with “and please don’t let my sister spill her milk.”  But, of course I did, with my dad quipping “Well, sometimes God says no.” 

My point is that some of what kids do is related to age and stage, not misbehavior or disobedience.  If we want to build self confidence in our children, taking their awkwardness and impulsivity as a normal part of the day and their development is a huge piece of our parenting job.  Watching this family react to the spilled milk, made me aware of how parents’ repeated reaction to kids’ behaviors over a long period of time forms their personalities and affects their level of self esteem. 

Of course, kids are resilient and can certainly turn out fine in spite of parenting mistakes.  I’ve always said that by the time parents know what they’re doing, they’re out of a job.  That’s what makes us such great grandparents; we’re much more tolerant, seeing mishaps as mere pieces of the day in the life of a family. 

Correcting children’s mistakes can be done casually, even with the occasional sharp tone to get their attention.  Setting things right does not have to leave our children with hurt feelings or embarrassment.  By thinking ahead, parenting in public can be done quietly, taking into consideration our child’s self image, while teaching them how to behave.   

Kids’ learn by example, observing what parents do, rather than what parents say.  As they watch us over-react to something that is displeasing us, you can bet their pouting and defiance will soon follow when something doesn’t go their way. 

Of course, parents make mistakes and kids survive.  If we keep the two basic rules of parenting in the front of our vision for our children, we’ll do little or no harm, and our kids can become self-reliant adults, making the world a little stronger, and so the cycle begins.  I encourage parents everywhere, “Think ahead!”

8 Steps to Correcting Without Spanking Children 

Now that we are thinking ahead and committed to “do no harm,” let’s take a look at ways to correct children at home and in public.

1. Think Ahead - Take a moment to predict the outcome of correction by “thinking ahead.”  Example:  My aunt tells me a story of how embarassed she was when correcting her three year old neice one day while in church.  The little girl had been squirming, getting more wiggly by the minute.  Finally, when a prayer was being lead at the microphone by the song leader, my aunt leaned over and lightly pinched the little girl on the leg, thinking she would finally be quiet.  Instead, she yelped “oh shit!” bringing everyone in the chapel to laughter.  The song leader broke right into song and people still talk about it these many years later.  Lesson learned:  Predict behavior. If she had predicted the little one’s reaction, she would have chosen a different method to get her attention. 
2. Do No Harm - By thinking ahead, we can next make a decision as to what action to take to stop the behavior.  It’s simple.  Is what we’re about to do going to help or hurt?
3. Substitute - Replace the wrong behavior with a right one.  Show them and explain in simple terms what you want.  When we take something away, even if it’s behavior that needs changing, it’ll bounce right back in the “hole” unless we fill it with the new behavior we want.
4. Get Their Attention Gently. - Sugar attracts, so be sweet.
5. Be persuasive - Tune in to WIIFM!  The “What’s In It For Me” approach applies here.  All of us move towards pleasure and away from pain.  Sometimes, the absence of pleasure is pain in itself.  Think about what matters to your child, and let that be a part of your persuasion towards a new behavior.  If we can see that it benefits us more by acting in different way, it’s human nature to move in that direction.   

Example:  I had 2 kids under two, and they could be a real challenge in a store.  So, on the way to the store, I would use language they could understand and repeatedly describe how we would act in the store and that the reward would be: 1) riding the coin horse on the way out. 2) Getting a slushie drink at the corner store, or 3) Choosing a dollar toy. (You get the idea…) Therefore —

    6. Bribery Works  - Now, don’t faint.  I’m talking about showing our kids the benefits of acting properly.  As adults, the natural “feel good” rush we get from doing good, is enough.  However, when teaching young children to act in a certain way, kids often needs the extra enticement of reward.  Praise is good, but a physical reward, at least in the beginning, is powerful.

     7.  Be creative - Again, think ahead and have some tricks of the trade with you, gum, hard candy and quiet books during church; rehearsing the behavior you want before you leave the house; and just generally being descriptive as you plan the event; and deciding ahead of time what penalties will be for misbehavior.

     8.  Example - Show them, repeatedly if they are toddlers, exactly how you want them to behave.  Remember,kids under 5 years old are very concrete in their comprehension.  They remember what they see, not so much what they hear.  Come to think of it, I know a lot of teens and adults that are like that.  Right? Final note: If I had to pick any of the 8 that are most important, I’d choose “Thinking Ahead” and “Rehearsing.”  After raising over 250 foster kids in our home, those two steps saved me many times.

Planning and thinking ahead will bring you many happy moments with your children in public places.  Have fun!

Read this and other posts regarding discipline and spanking.  More complete discussions on spanking to follow.

 

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