by Marisue Alsobrook 

“Dating.  Where do you begin to find the right guy and is it possible? Yes you can!  Be aware of these red flags and you can find the one for you!”

(These alerts can also be for guys who are looking for the right woman, but read other posts designed especially for guys!)

Dating!  Why can’t it be simple!  How do you protect your heart? Your gut is telling you one thing, but, the red flags are glaring back at you. yet:  he’s just so good-looking.  So, you ignore the warning signs waving in your face, and instead rush in where angels fear to tread. 

The problem with turning a blind eye to those red flags that scream “stop!” is that they just don’t dissolve.  Later, it’s harder to turn back.  You’re more involved, perhaps you’re intimate, and one is more committed than the other.  Now what?  You could end up hurt and resentful toward him/her, and as time passes, it’s harder to call it quits. Prevention is the key! 

Think about where you are emotionally.  Are you over past relationships? To find that future partner who you can spend the rest of your life with, dating is necessary to separate the good from the bad, the solid from the transparent.  We’re all drawn to fancy wrapping.  Charm works.  Is it real? Time will tell, if we take the time. 

Dating brings an excitement that is a powerful distraction.  In the dark of the night, call on common sense to land by your side for awhile.  Anyone who has ever dated knows that you never know what kind of person you’ll encounter.  There’s an outside self, and an inside, everyday and more private self. 

Being careful with your heart is something you must do in every relationship.  On the other hand, we don’t need to be so suspicious that we kill any chance for romance.  Basically, it’s about taking your time, listening and asking questions, striving for real communication and respecting differences.  Watch out for bossiness, ownership, and controlling behavior.

Ignoring red flags is not the smartest move if you’re serious about finding that special someone, because usually those red flags were your first indicator to move on.  The following relationship red flags should have you saying “Next!” when it comes to embarking on a new relationship:

Red Flags for Dating

1. Still Living at Home  - More and more adults are still living at home these days, so if it’s more common, should it really be considered a relationship red flag? Yes! Men who still live at home are usually in no hurry to grow up, become independent or financially responsible. This doesn’t make for attractive qualities in a potential partner. Generally speaking, it might be acceptable for a man to still be living at home is if he’s taking care of aging parents or is experiencing a temporary set back.  However, each case is individual, just be sure you know the full story. 

2. Never Inviting You Over - He’s quick to suggest hanging out at your place but never offers up his own digs. This could clearly be a sign of concealment and should definitely be considered as a relationship red flag. Maybe his home includes a family he’s not telling you about or maybe his home resembles the aftermaths of a hurricane. Never inviting you over (or never wanting to be seen in public with you, not giving you contact info, giving you vague answers, etc.) could mean he’s cheating on someone else or it could simply mean that he’s embarrassed of something. Whatever it is, you want a potential future partner to be open and honest with you about simple things.

3. Moving Too Quickly  - Be aware of someone who moves at the speed of light when trying to win you over. It’s usually a sign that he’s uncomfortable being by himself or he’s looking for a woman to help solve his problems. Asking for intimacy or marriage too quickly or spilling loads of very personal information could be acts of desperation, and that’s definitely a bad omen for picking the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Be especially aware if he has children he’s too quick to put you ahead of.

4. Constantly Talking Bad about an Ex -  He may not like his ex, but there’s no reason he should continue an ongoing verbal assault on them, no matter how sour the relationship went. Not only is he offering too much information, but it makes him look tacky, resentful and unwilling to take responsibility for his shortcomings in the relationship. Plus, if your relationship doesn’t work out, would you want him constantly talking bad about you later on? Be aware of a guy who talks too freely about past relationships or ex’s in general, but especially if it’s all negative talk and sounds like unresolved anger.

5. Excessive Parental Attachment  - It is one thing to love your mother and father, but it’s another thing to have an excessive relationship with them when you’re an adult. “Excessive” in these terms means “being a mama’s boy,” only having your parents as your friends, letting your parents influence you in every facet of your life, etc.  Besides, excessive parental attachment doesn’t bode well in a marriage because he’ll probably put them ahead of you, damaging your relationship. To be an adult means to be independent and to have a life of your own.  However, it’s also very important to understand and respect your partner’s love for their family.  Independence is not the absence of extended family, it’s understanding your role within the family.  Balance is what you need to see.

6. Fresh Out of a Relationship  - Timing can be everything, but when you could potentially get involved in a rebound relationship, it may be time to move on. While a rebound relationship can occasionally work out for the best, it’s usually one of the relationship red flags to be very cautious of. If you’ve been through a break-up, you know that it takes a long time to completely recover. Chances are that if he’s fresh out of a relationship, he’s going through the recovery process, leaving little time to completely focus on you or maybe using you to fill his loneliness.

7.  Bossiness - The “My way or the highway” attitude needs to be curtailed from the beginning, on both sides.  Successful relationships are built on respecting differences and “giving in” a decent amount of the time.

8.  Ownership - Jealousy and the tendency to display the “your only mine” attitude in social situations will only get worse with time.  Don’t think it’s “cute” that he shows jealousy when you greet old friends.  Cute is pretty hard to live with daily, and can lead to physical abuse.  One way to tell if his jealousy is “normal” is your level of comfort.  Is he wanting reassurance or control?  You decide.

9.  Control & Jealousy - Related to Bossiness and ownership, this can be a huge issue in a permanent relationship.  As we live our life, we need to be able to make our own decisions about clothing, and how we spend some of our time, and who we choose for friends.  Of course, a loving partner will always make decisions that are good for the relationship and won’t bring people in who are going to keep your spouse upset. However, uncontrollabe jealousy is not cute.  Make sure the level of jealousy your new love exhibits is a level you can live with.  So, it’s about healthy compromise.

10. Spending too much time with friends - While no man is an island, frequent nights out with the “guys” can be nights of temptation for many.  You both need to discuss what is “too much” and what kind of activities with friends are acceptable for you both.

Bonus Info:  Two immediate Stop Signs are:

• Physical abuse.  No pushing, shoving, hitting, slapping, or physical force of any kind should ever be tolerated.  It only gets worse and an apology doesn’t excuse it. 
• Over-justifying anger - “You made me mad” is not a reason to say painful remarks, emotionally harm you, or get physical.  A grown person needs to have acceptable levels of anger.  Beware of the uncontrolled arguments. 

See other posts regarding anger management and social relationships.

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3. Romance: Keeping Romance In Your Relationship
4. Marriage or Partner Relationship Help
5. Better Relationships: 7 Myths
6. Thinking of Divorce?
7. Spark Up Your Relationships! The Secret to an Exciting Relationship
8. Divorce Help: Legal Tips, Spouse Anger, Pain, Money
9. Easy Relationship Tips
10. Are You A Victim? Stop by Setting Healthy Boundaries