by Marisue Alsobrook

“Thinking positive in a negative situation can be a powerful tool to stress and anger management, increasing our ability to achieve.  You might wonder how positive thinking eliminates violence, but I think losing hope is a trigger for serious behavior problems.  No one is asking you to be Miss/Mr. PolyAnna.  Real struggles bring about real misery, and can zap your strength, leaving you in the depths of darkness and fear.  Approaching our problems with clear thinking and an ”I’m going to make it” strategy will take us far.  I’ve known this to work in my life and I believe you will find it to be a powerful tool for making changes in your life as well.“

People have frequently said to me “You’re lucky to have such a good attitude.”  but, really, luck doesn’t have much to do with coping.  It comes from pure effort, grit and determination.  I’m not unique. Anyone can do it, if they choose.  People with bad attitudes often think they “can’t help it.”   We can help it.  Here are some further suggestions.

Negative Thinking

It’s so easy to get into the habit of negative thinking, that we hardly notice it when it happens.  It can take over your life.  However, as you begin to make a conscious effort to change that habit, you will find your effort is paying you huge dividends. 

Self Control

We can develop self control! Our attitude comes from our thinking, and the great part of thinking is that we can control what happens in our mind.  When you’re frustrated, resist the impulse to say “I can’t help it.”  All of us face daily trials and challenges that feel overwhelming.  It takes effort to pull ourselves out of the “gloom and doom.”  However, we can do it, and we should.  Our families and neighborhoods need clear thinking, flexible and tolerant adults.  When feeling the rush of sadness and depression – understand that those are normal reactions to situations that are hard.  However, resolve to bounce back!  Fight back!  Think “problem, solution.”  Every tomorrow is a new opportunity to solve a problem, to make progress, to come closer to goals.

Discouragement

Discouragement and impatience is the enemy to solutions.  And, frankly, we may need to increase our awareness that sometimes solutions may be out of reach for a period of time.  If so, we are called upon to strengthen our endurance.  TV and the media, movies and games give us the impression that everything must have a quick solution.  Entertainment media pushes the idea that if something happens you don’t like, seek revenge.  Eliminate the one causing you pain.  It’s scary and we only need to turn on the news to see the results of such inference.  Our young people are particularly vulnerable. 

Violence in Society

For the most part, I believe that the tendency towards violence is developed over time.  The recent news has shown that violence in society is a real problem and can touch anyone, in Any Town, USA.  Where is our feeling of personal safety headed?  There are many people who are suffering from rejections, loneliness and discouragement, maybe to the level of developing a mental illness because they can no longer control their thinking and keep it within rational and safe limits.  They lash out at others, hurting or even killing. While parenting my own kids and many children through the foster care system, I have seen instances in my own home where children and their parents have little or no coping skills.  Everything turns into an unmanageable crisis.  Hopelessness sets in, leaving very little energy for clear thinking. 

Parental Responsibility

I don’t want to over-simplify, but somehow, as parents, we are failing to show our children how to cope with adversity.  All situations will not be to their liking.  Some things will hurt.  They need to know that all of us can take the pain of these circumstances, if we channel it.  I call this “boxing it in.”  When my kids went through something painful, when something hurt really badly, I would tell them to put it in a “mental box.”  “Fence it in, contain it.  Then, it can not spread to other areas in your life; it cannot consume you. 

Once it’s in that mental box or fenced in area, take a look at it.  See what you can do about any of it to make changes, and if you can’t, then leave it there for awhile.  Share the pain with others who can help.  Don’t keep it to yourself.”  I don’t know where those words came from, maybe it was inspired, and maybe it was from my own lessons in life.  But, for some reason, this worked for many children.  It helped them understand they could control pain and seek help from others.

Boundaries

Another coping skill many kids and young adults lack is the understanding of boundaries.  Without thought, they intrude on others and inflict pain.  This missing characteristic can cause a child to grow into a potentially dangerous adult.  When we have years and years of negative “I’m a victim” thinking, it can produce irrational adults who don’t think twice about hurting others. 

Violence in the news

Look at the recent Colorado shootings, the football star that hurt dogs, the young girl who was ridiculed on the internet and took her life, the young men who took another football star’s life during a burglary. Why?  What happened?  What was missing in their character and heart? I’m sure many people share in the blame of the development of these young people.  Perhaps some of it was mental illness that could not have been cured.  Yet, surely we see a parental burden of responsibility.  Giving our children hope when it seems hopeless, strength when they are consumed with weakness and companionship when they feel alone is possible when we lead by positive example.  We cannot fail in our own development of character.  If we do, we become the weak link in the chain of society. 

Tips for Raising Mentally Strong Children

Raise strong resilient kids by modeling positive thinking and actions in this way:

• Think out loud, but think in silence first 
• Predict how your child might perceive your remarks.  If you are frustrated and shouting at every turn of events, they will begin to see the world as a place where they are not safe.  They will perceive people and situations as the enemy, even if they never voice that to you.  It will come out in their impatience at school, with friends, and in social situations.  They will be the child who can’t get along with anyone or is withdrawn. 
• Spend time with your kids
• Get them off the computer more and into the family circle 
• Play with them
• Talk with them
• Listen to them 
• Lead by example - Above all, let them see you cope with problems and remember to show them your best strengths
• Let them hear you think problems through
• Show them how you reach solutions
• Empower them to see their own ability to handle the good, the bad, and the ugly in their life 
• Teach them that an optimistic world and tolerance for differences in others, begins with each of us.
• Show them that we can be wrong, without being mad
• Show respect for animals
• Show respect for differences
• Demonstrate Love in all areas of life

Modeling Positive Thinking For Your Children

Here are some examples of positive out loud thinking:

•  “I’ll have to give this some more thought.”
•  “I’ll try again tomorrow.”      
•   “I’ll ask for help.”       
•   “I’m upset now; I’ll give myself some time to calm down.”    
•  “I need more information.”       
•  “I’m not going to get mad at this person.”        
•   “I can discuss my feelings and try to help others understand me.”        
•  “I won’t give up.”        
•   “This is uncomfortable now, but I can take it.”        
•  “Time will need to pass before this gets better, but I know it will get better later.”        
•   “I can work harder.”    
•   “I made a mistake.  I can do something good to resolve it.”    
•   “I did something wrong.  I need to do this to make up for it.”
•   “I need to tell the truth, even though it’s going to be hard and this person may get mad at me.”      
•   “I need to forgive this person so we can all feel better.”
•   “I don’t understand this person, but I don’t have to always understand.” 

In summary, here are 10 basic points to teaching positive thinking to kids.

1.      Become a positive thinking person, yourself.

2.      Think out loud, showing healthy problem solving skills.

3.      Control your temper.

4.      Remember that time may have to pass before a solution is found.

5.      Spend time with your children.

6.      Model good thinking and temperament.

7.      Contain pain from an experience.

8.      Show self control in as many areas as possible.

9.      Ask for help when you need it.

10.  Show mercy to others, including your child!        

There are no quick solutions to all problems, but there are ways we can teach our children to be mentally safe; to cope with daily challenges, and to understand they are in control of themselves.  Let’s make tomorrow a safe place to live.   

Related Posts:

1. Positive Living In Negative Times
2. Kid’s Misbehaving? Here’s the Secret to Teaching Them How To Behave In Public!
3. Teaching By Example: Walking With Giants
4. Over-Criticizing? Praising Children Improves Behavior! Catch ‘em Being Good!
5. Spanking: The Yes & No’s of It & 8 Steps to Correcting Children
6. Life Links: Anger Management Tips for Living
7. Grief: Talking To Those In Pain- Here’s What They Want
8. Angry Moments: Yes You Can Control Them
9. Links For Healthy Living: 5 Tips for Using Self Talk
10. Anger Management - A Fresh, New Attitude!