by Marisue Alsobrook

Introduction:  Teaching kids to set goals helps them see the progress they make and where they need to improve.  Self-evaluation also helps us be less sensitive to criticism; we are more able to see it as direction.  Just as using a road map to reach a destination, setting personal goals pushes us closer to achievement.  We begin to realize there is a journey involved in accomplishment.  Media and our own impatience can cause us to think that success is instantaneous.  We try, and if we fall short, we turn to gloom and feel defeated.  Help kids pick themselves up and tell themselves, “I’ll try again.”  Let’s go!

Goal-Setting for Kids:  Self-Talk  Raises Achieving Kids

Do goal-setting discussions with your kids turn into moans and groans?  Are you frustrated with your child’s negative attitude?  That can change. Keep the process simple. When teaching the necessity of setting goals to our children, we show them that what we want is acommplished by a series of steps we take.  Let them know that setting goals allows us to reach them.   They can write a sentence or two about what they want, then a couple of steps that will get them there. If it’s more complicated than that, they’ll be scared off.  Keep It Simple!

Raising over 250 foster children during the last 18 years has shown me that much of our daily frustration comes from expecting too much too soon from ourselves and others.  Kids would think they would be going back home in a few days; the reality would be closer to months.  They would believe in instant friendships for life; and be disappointed and angry with that person within hours.  They would think their parents would either never change or be better in a few days; when in reality changes would come in inches.  They would either expect perfection from themselves and those around them, or think no one was good, nice, or caring.

The point is, their lives were full of extreme expectations.  Connecting them to accomplishments gave them true confidence.  But, it was a process, and one that sometimes was interrupted by the state’s decision to send them back again to an unchanged negative home environment, only to have the whole process repeated over and over as they came and went through the revolving door of the foster care system.  But, that’s another story.

Self Talk

Do you talk inside your head?  Everybody does, even your child. If they won’t try new things, set goals, and seem to give up easily, chances are their inner voice is giving negative feedback.  We can change that, and I believe we must! 

My more mature years has shown me that there is no single, more important, healthy, self-help skill than that of “self-talk.”  Think about that.  We talk ourselves into getting out of bed when we’re tired; go to work when we would rather not; do routine and often unpleasant chores; take care of our children; pay bills; go to church; lose weight, have patience; and follow all kinds of rules that might be uncomfortable.  Self talk is natural but it’s not always positive.

When you read and hear of shootings and killings at universities, malls, churches, courthouses,  or within families, it’s hard to come to grips with the violent thoughts of the one who committed such horrible crimes.  Think of how their lives would have been mentally healthy and their contributions helpful to society, if they had learned to praise themselves, change their actions, or help another by using positive self-talk?  Somewhere, they became overwhelmed and defeated, bitterly facing the days.

There won’t always be someone else around to encourage us to take a different approach to a problem.  We simply must learn how to do that ourselves.  Think of how much safer we’d all be in society, if young adults as well as those who are “all grown up” would be able to use self talk to take themselves out of anger and into positive change or helping others.  Our universities, homes, neighborhoods would be places where people help people live their daily lives.  Helping hands would replace weapons, encouragment would replace defeat, and depression would turn into positive action.  No one is implying that total happiness is around the corner, but we can be strong and resilient, and basically happy, by using self talk.

5 Easy Self Talk Tips

1.  Model self talk in the home.  When you hit a snag, instead of cussing and stomping around or giving up, verbalize positive thoughts such as:

• “Well, that didn’t work, I’m going to have to try something else.”
• “I might have to ask someone else to help me.”
• “I may have to look this up in a book.”
• “I’m going to read the instructions again.”
• “I’m going to walk around and take a break and them come back to try again.”
• “I need to really be patient on this task.”
• “I’m getting frustrated; I need to take a break.”
• “I worked hard on this, and it turned out pretty good.”
• “I’m going to have to work differently.  I’ve tried this several times and I think I’m going to have to do something different.”
• “My efforts paid off!”
• “I asked for help, but this still isn’t quite right.  This might take some more time.”

All of those comments give your familiy examples of your self talk, illustrating self control and self-help or reliance.  After all, the goal of parenting is to raise children who will become productive, self-reliant adults.  We can’t leave it to chance.  Ask yourself if you are giving the examples to your kids and family that are positive and healthy?  Could you do better?  If we are full of curse words, then how can we expect our children to talk differently?  Begin today to model positive self-talk!

2.  Pay attention to what your child says about themselves.  Are they saying “I can’t” frequently?  Help them change that to: “I can if you show me how.”  or “I’ll try.”  Or simply “I bet I can.”

3.  Dont give false hope.  Telling our kids they can do something you know they won’t be able to do or at least not right away, actually hurts their self esteem.   Sometimes, what a child wants to do requires help from someone else or lots of practice to learn a skill.  We want to have respect for their desires and ideas; we don’t want to close doors to them.  However, we need to help them realize the journey involved in accomplishment.  Remember, kids live in a concrete and sometimes fantasy world, where things seem magical and either too easy or too difficult.  It’s up to us to give them manageable doses of reality.

4.  Teach by creating stories for your child that teach a point you’re trying to make. Involve them in the solution, where possible.  This “vicarious” learning is valuable and memorable to children.  Enjoy these story times with your child. When they are learning, studying, working, even playing, praise them sincerely and keep the praise focused on the effort they are making, not so much the accomplishment. 

For example, if your child brings home a good grade on a test, say something like:  “Why do you think you made such a good grade?”  and “I saw you studying for that test.  It paid off, didn’t it!”  Asking them what they think about it, helps them learn to praise themselves, and also points out that ever-valuable journey to success. 

5.  Use positive, constructive, self-evaluation in front of your family.  Humor is very valuable here, if it’s used in a non-abusive way.  For instance, self-deprecating humor is allowed.  You can call yourself a name, playfully, but no one else should.  For example, you could say something like “Oops, that was dumb” yet no one in the family should habitually call each other “dumb.”   It’s important that the children hear you correcting yourself.  Here are some examples of self evaluation, self criticism and self-praise:

• “I like this what I did here, but not this part.”
• “Let’s take a look at this, what did I do that was good?”
• “That was work, but it was fun.”
• “There are probably many different ways to do this, but I’m satisfied.  I think I’ll stop here.”
• “This is good enough,  in fact, it’s great.”
• “Where can I improve?”
• “I learned several things not to do, the next time will be easier.”
• “Well, that was a total disaster, but I learned a lot.”
• “That was a mistake.  I won’t do that again, but I’m human and we all make mistakes.”
• “I didn’t think before I spoke.”
• “I should have asked for help.”
• “I should have taken your advice, I’m sorry.  I will think about that differently next time.”
• “I should have listened.”

Admitting mistakes is healthy.  When being critical, avoid the appearance of not being satisfied with any outcome.  Do your kids say to you “You never like what I do!”?  Being a perfectionist is not an admirable trait, although those who are, seem to think everyone should want to be like them.  Never being satisfied with your work or that of another person is a characteristic that can bring about another huge set of problems.  Do you like being around a person that seems to always be saying “yeah, but…” or “You should’ve…”  The “wudda, cudda, shudda” people are too critical and not fun.  That kind of criticism is not constructive and does not create a desire to try again in others.

Use self talk today, to help others and yourself!  Positive attitudes are contagious and you’ll love spreading them around.  Happy times are ahead!

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