By Marisue Alsobrook

Introduction:  Some of life’s most important links are built during Family Meetings. Family Meetings can help you link together as a family, improving your relationship with each other in the short term and perhaps for life.

However, the meetings are not easy, in fact, sometimes you might feel as though it’s just too chaotic. I encourage you to stick with them. Your goal is not to have a perfect and controlled meeting, but to get to know each other better, to increase tolerance for differences, to learn to respect others feelings, and to build lasting connections. None of that needs perfection. The benefits over time, will be worth all the effort you put in them. Seek information about Family Meetings, but try not to structure them so much that all the fun is gone. I”ll continue to write and add articles about the Family Meeting, so check back often.

Why Family Meeetings

“Not another meeting!” That tends to be the reaction from most kids when they hear it’s time for a family meeting. Yet, I’ve also heard many kids say that even though they complain, they see the value of the meetings, enjoy having their time to express themselves, and have grown closer to family members. It’s normal for Family Meetings to be tolerated rather than keenly anticipated by family members. That fact does not decrease the importance of holding them regularly.

The frequency of the meetings is entirely dependent upon your family’s needs. Once a week is common, with short meetings more frequently if necessary. I know some families in time of crisis have held them every night in short form. That particular family used the 5 minute rule to end their days on positive notes, and said it improved the “family attitude” immensely. The point is, it’s your family, make those decisions based on what you think your family needs — which could change with the passing of time. Being flexible is a great family skill!

Most research supports the notion that parents that use a meeting process experience less sibling fighting and sibling rivalry, and get far greater cooperation from their kids. So, dig in your heels, make the commitment and have those meetings regularly.

Some general benefits to Family Meeetings are:

• They effectively turn families from “Me” to “We“ centered groups.
• They are based on the management principle that children benefit by having a say in how their family operates.
• Children and teens are more likely to stick to rules and decisions that they have had a say in making, rather than those imposed from other authority figures.

We may know these concepts already and the family meeting is the stage upon which to practice our family togetherness.

Here are the ten secret steps to successful family meetings: 

1. They must be regular. Weekly or every few days meetings are ideal. If a parent calls a meeting when he or she wants them, meetings just become a vehicle for parents to get their point across rather than a means for children to participate in family-life.

2. Start when at least one child is five years of age. Children need the verbal and cognitive skills to participate. This varies but five years of age seems to be a good age to start. Younger children benefit from regular play time that can actually serve as a rehearsal of family rules and important behavior.  Rehearsing the way to act in a store, in church, at someone else’s house, or how to sit at the table are important basics.  Toddlers love to act things out, and knowing what is expected gives them security, which in turn improves their behavior.

3. Have an agenda. All good meetings need a chairperson and an agenda. Meetings are usually for one or more of four purposes:

• Plan for family fun
• Allocation of chores
• Resolving conflicts between people
• Discussion of family issues, procedures and routines.

Parents need to be the initial chairperson but share the job around as children become more skilled.  Involve the kids as much as possible in choosing topics in advance to discuss, songs to sing, or family games to play and refreshments served.

4. Avoid overloading the agenda. You don’t have to have a plan for every minute of the meeting but keep it flowing and on task. You’ll be surprised how the kids may even be doing better in school and after school activities from the skills they learn in family meetings! Two or three items may be enough to keep the meetings  from becoming boring or too long.

5. Have a talk sock(or use another soft item).  An object such as a sock or doll that the children must hold if they are going to speak,  teaches them how to take turns. The speaker, whether adult or child, must be holding the special talk sock and it can be passed around the room as needed.

6. Start each meeting with encouragement and praise, both specific and general.  Parents can model this initially by saying things like, “Thanks Kathy, for putting your toys away after playing with them this week. It was great to have the family room so clean.” This helps set a positive tone and teaches kids how to encourage each other as well as notice the positive behavior of another and even themselves.

7. Finish with a pleasant activity and on a positive note. A concluding game or a story will help reinforce a meeting as an event to anticipate.

8. The meetings must be realistic.  While meetings should be fun and may contain games or a fun activity, it must have enough of a serious tone that the kids feel the importance. The meeting itself is not a game.  Put on the answering machine for the phone, turn off the TV.  Pleasant, soft background music is helpful.  The meetings may contain voting, but they are not entirely democratic. You can’t have 12 year olds voting on rules and decisions that are necessary for the safety and well being of the family.  The parent leads, with input, but with the final decision power where necessary.  Establish authority.  Kids don’t make important family rules and decisions, though they have valuable contributions. You must be able to live with decisions that are made, so you must be realistic about what is discussed and decided upon.

9. Keep the time limits. Start on time, end on time.  Don’t allow them to become bogged down.  Keep moving them along. Use the general rule of “take time for the necessary, but no more time than necessary.“ Some meetings may only last for 10 minutes, but that’s fine if objectives were met. On the other hand, don’t rush or kids will get the idea that they can just “show up” and then get on with their own activities and life.  You want participation!

10. It is the process that is important.  Sometimes meetings break down and decisions aren’t made as they have descended into chaos. That happens but don’t abandon the concept if nothing concrete comes of a meeting or two. This is a learning process and there will be mistakes that might make some meetings seem a disaster.  Let the kids see the progress and improvement, as this is an important journey to success in any area.

Again, let the structure save you. Start with a procedure and end with one. That will give you back some control when things go crazy. It is the process of meeting together and talking rather than the outcomes that are important.

Regular family meetings are a powerful means of improving relationships, reducing sibling rivalry and building cooperation between parents and children. They provide the means for children to share and accept responsibility, participate fully in family-life and work cooperatively for the benefit of the group – their family.

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