By Marisue Alsobrook

 

Introduction:  After parenting my own 3 children and over 250 foster kids, I have become a believer in the Family Meeting.  Do a little research, guides and examples are helpful, copy success of others at first, then do what works for you.  One Basic Rule and it will be repeated here often:  KEEP IT SIMPLE; simple rules, simple structure, simple fun.

 

 

As with everything, gathering information so that you can build on success is a great way to start a new behavior for your family.  Stay with it.  Success does not mean “smooth” in Family Meetings.  These meetings are the platform for growth and growth involves frustrations, mistakes, and even arguments in mild forms.  Again, stay with it.  Kids will learn how to cope with all of the above, and you will all develop a closer bond, I promise.

 

Conflict Resolution in the Family Meeting

 

After several Family Meetings, you’ll begin to hear “If you don’t stop that, I’m going to put it on the agenda!’ from kids and family members. 

 

When I overheard my 12 year old foster daughter yell this to her teenage brother one day, I realized how important our weekly family meetings had become. As a parent/foster parent, I highly recommend family meetings for parents who want to become less authoritarian with their children without becoming too permissive.  

 

Family Arguments

Are we being disagreeable for the sake of disagreeing?  Of course not. The point of any argument, is to reach an agreement. Kids need to have some “say” in their life, and this is the best place to allow that to happen. 

 

 

 

 

Why Family Meetings?

 

Weekly meetings provide the stage where family members can resolve conflicts through open discussion. Parents have an opportunity to let kids speak without total parental control.  However, families are not democracies.  Though some voting may occur and majority may win, it’s important that the minority also has time to shine.  Adults must rule;  they provide the guidelines and keep the peace.  Discussions are important, but sensitive issues may have to be “tabled” and discussed with a child or parent in private. 

 

Who Benefits From Family Meetings?

Everyone benefits through the Family Meeting process, (Sometimes,  especially parents.)  The format is not as important as the concept of everyone participating. Fairness should be the goal, love should be evident in all conversations.  Yet, make an effort to explain frequently to all that complete fairness is impossible. 

Fairness

 

Try to eliminate the “That’s not fair!” complaint. Fairness will often appear to be for the goodness of all, not necessarily the individual.

 

 

 

My teenage boys used to measure and count what the other received, frequently coming to me with “he got more; you didn’t give me $20.00; you did more for him; he always gets to stay out late;” (yada, yada, yada.)  My answer was then and now, consistently “We try to meet the needs as they occur.  If you continue to measure, you will always believe you get the short end of the stick.”  

 

 

 

 

Measuring is definitely a pet peeve of mine.  The kids, now grown, have finally understood that they get what they need, not necessarily the same as their brother.   

Family Meeting Basics 

Rules:  When adding Family Meetings to your routine, develop a few basic rules.  One good approach is for Mom and Dad to come up with a rule or two to get things started, and then let the kids add a few more. 

The magic number of rules for comfortable meetings seems to be 5.   Too many rules is just like too many cooks in a kitchen.  It will weigh the meeting down, and someone will have to be the “enforcer.”  This is common even in the corporate world.  After 5 rules, even adults seem to mentally clock out.  Add more rules over time, as things come up.  But, again, Keep it Simple! 

Family Meeting Goals

Here are 7 simple goals for meetings: 

1.  Family Meetings should be pleasant.

2.  Family Meetings should be short.

3.  Family Meetings should be uninterrupted by the world.

4.  Family Meetings should be balanced by containing some rules, some firmness, some fun.

5.  Family Meetings should involve everyone, stressing sharing, taking turns, and listening to others. 

 

What a great place to help the family improve communication skills!  Watch out Corporate America and the Elementary Playground! (Maybe those are one and the same?)

 

6.  Family Meetings should have a direction, purpose and easily determined focus.  No one should leave the meeting thinking “Huh?  What was this about?”

7.  Family Meetings should contain structure but not be weighed down heavily by it.

 

Getting Started With Family Meetings

 

1.  Propose a regular, weekly meeting time.  

 

Pick a day when all can attend.  This may take some discussion but be firm and in the end, just pick a date.   Sacrifice might be necessary, but promise short meetings and stick to it. 

 

2.  First meeting sets the tone.  Plan for it!  Have a short fun game, a nice refreshment, and positive comments or rewards. 

 

 

 

Marisue’s Hint:  I believe in bribery!  We all like rewards.  Take away your paycheck and see how long you stay at that job!  Physical rewards work and they are healthy!  After parenting 250 foster kids, I think I have earned the right to argue in favor of using physical rewards to encourage and develop positive behavior. 

 

 

 

I know some counselors say “nada” about physical rewards, but they are not in your living room.  Use those rewards, sensibly and move forward!

 

 

 

You can use your first meeting to discuss the structure of future meetings, as well as the decision-making process.  With rare exceptions, and for successful meetings, they need to be attended by all of the family.  If you don’t stress attendance, after-school activities and parent’s job responsibilities will dissolve the importance of the meetings. 

 

 

 

 

Agree on:

• No phone calls from friends or co-workers
• No friends in attendance (Keep it to family members at least in the beginning and keep guests to a minimum, privacy is a must for close bonding)
• No TV
• No answering the door.  A short meeting won’t stop the world from turning.
• Music only for background “atmosphere building.”
• Absolutely no Electronics, headsets, ipods, cell phones, text messaging….you-get-the-drift!

Agendas 

Tips for Planning:

• Keep It Simple. It is important to have a written agenda,  In our family, we taped a blank sheet of paper to our refrigerator door, where family members wrote down the items they wanted to discuss, along with their names. This became the official agenda for the next meeting. (Children too young to write can dictate their agenda items, or draw a simple picture.)
• Meetings work best if no one adds any items to the agenda once the meeting has started. In order for meetings to run smoothly, there needs to be a chairperson and a secretary. These responsibilities should change each week so that each member of the family has a chance to participate in the leadership; as soon as children are old enough to do these jobs, they should have their turn. The chairperson’s job is to see that each agenda item is addressed in order, to ensure that no one interrupts the person speaking, and to keep the discussion on the topic at hand. The secretary writes down the decisions reached.
• It bears repeating:  Keep it simple!  A complicated process with break down the importance of the meeting.
• Create a procedure that begins and ends the Family Meeting on a positive note.  Parents can say something positive about every child, and at the end of the meeting, every child can say something positive about the other person on their left, for example. 

Parents giving praise first is another way to teach by example.   Foster kids or kids that tend to be “grumpy or complain a lot” may struggle with this task, but it teaches them to look for positives.  Don’t force, encourage!!  Sometimes people will come up with appreciations easily, other days it will be a struggle.  If someone seems to “pass” this part of the meeting frequently, talk with them before or after and help them prepare for the next meeting by thinking in advance what they could say.  Everyone needs to learn to praise others. 

 

 

 

For example, I thanked my children for helping out by doing extra chores when I was sick. On several occasions they thanked my husband and me for helping them with homework, taking them to school, listening to them talk about their day.

 

3. Announcements:  Talk about the activities for the days and week ahead.  Briefly discussing what everyone has ahead of them is a great way to help kids stay informed and to actually understand what others in the family do.  Kids (ok, and some adults) tend to be self-focused, which is part of their “age and stage.”  This becomes increasingly important as children grow older and participate in numerous activities.  This skill will also help them learn organization skills, all important for the future.

 

4. Follow the written agenda.  After announcements, the chairperson can follow the agenda, addressing each item in order.  Some families have discovered the importance of starting and ending on time.  Unfinished items can be carried over to another meeting, even if it needs to be the next day.  In any case, meetings should have a definite end; it’s fun to end with a special dessert or a short game, if time permits.

 

5. Agenda Items: The Nuts and Bolts of the Meetings can bog everyone down.  Keep agenda items brief, remembering its the process that’s important.  Listening to others, contributing to decisions, having fun are all time important. 

 

Marisue’s Hint:  Conflict/Resolution  is a skill that is desperately needed in our society and it begins at home, spilling over into the school and work atmosphere.   Solve a problem or two in the meeting if possible, starting with simple ones.  Let kids see the importance of compromise, giving in, winning and losing, or even seeing that some issues are not quickly or easily settled.  Ignore the pouting that may occur when some don’t get their way.  Expect it.  It will go away largely on it’s own as they see that everyone at one time or another “loses” part of their requests and desires as compromises are born. 

 

 Examples of common topics of family conflict are:

 

* Use of the bathroom

* Division of chores

* Interrupting others

* Borrowing other’s possessions with or without permission

* Leaving lights on and other family budget matters

* Showing respect for others – ex: Entering bedrooms without knocking; picking up after yourself; Monopolizing electronic game time, TV, Music, phone, computer. 

Resisting Family Meetings

Sometimes parents who consult with me report that their children are at first resistant to the idea of family meetings, thinking that this is merely a new trick to get the children to do what the parents want.

 

 

 

When this occurs, I advise the parents to restrict the agenda items of the first few meetings to pleasant topics that are not emotionally charged, such as planning a family trip or discussing how to celebrate an upcoming birthday. 

 

Even after meetings are a well-accepted routine, I suggest to not use the Family Meeting time only to resolve conflicts, but also to work out schedules, talk about good news, and to plan for fun, making sure all meetings are sprinkled with a healthy amount of humor, praise and rewards.  

 

Don’t let the desire to solve problems get parents into a situation where sensitive matters are brought out in front of everyone.  The Family Meeting is a public forum, and not the place to “gang” up on parents, kids, or solve multiple conflicts.  This can get out of control quickly, and respect for parents and kids alike is extremely important.  If the teens seem to be bringing up one complaint after another, or anger is coming to the surface when discussing curfews or grades, ask for private parent time, and then parents can decide if discussing it at the meeting is a good thing. 

 

We found that older kids would occasionally “join” together and present a disgruntled front to “mom and dad,” thinking that because they were the majority, they were “right.” Full democracy is not the way to a successful meeting…and could lead to arguments or rebellion.  Plan ahead, remembering that someone has to be the adult. 

 

In most families, discussions of chores usually take up a good deal of meeting time, at least at the beginning. To get started with this, it is helpful to use a meeting to make a list of all the jobs that need to be done daily, weekly, and monthly. Be sure to include in this list all the jobs the adults do that might otherwise be taken for granted, such as earning money, paying the bills, and shopping for groceries.

 

 

 

One way to divide up the chores is to ask for volunteers to take responsibility for each one. After you reach agreement on this, someone can write up an individual job list for each family member.  

 

 

Trading job assignments is another way to divide up chores.  For example, one child may hate taking out the trash but would be willing to do laundry.  Trading can be good, but parents should make sure that no one is taken advantage of in this process. 

 

Another way to assign chores is to rotate them systematically among family members each week or month, or distribute them randomly at each meeting. There are many creative solutions, and whatever system your family agrees to is the one that will work the best.

 

Whatever system you use, you can expect some aspect of chores to keep reappearing on the family meeting agenda. This ongoing negotiation, although time-consuming, is important to the success of the family unit.

 

The idea is to encourage a feeling in children of cooperation and a willingness to do their share because they are part of the family.  It’s going to be a time of discovery as kids and adults alike may see that family situations can cause one or more family member to “give more than their share” at times. 

 

 

 

Such sacrifice is not harmful, if it’s done with love.  Occasional sacrifice by family members is necessary for bonding and building lasting connections in families.  The absence of an occasional  sacrifice by a family member can lead to unrealistic expectations, selfishness, idleness, and even a “so what” attitude in teens. 

 

 

In today’s tough economy, teens might be expected to work parttime and contribute to paying for some of their own needs or to the family’s needs as a whole.  As long as their needs are still met, they still have some free time, contributing to the family or paying some of their own way is very healthy.

 

 

 

Family Chores

 

While there is no need to pay children to do some chores, earning money is a necessary part of children’s growth.  They learn to perform tasks to a level that is satisfactory.

 

 

 

A friend of mine said she did not pay her children for routine chores, but had an “extra jar.”  If kids wanted to earn money, they could do “extras” from the jar.  She had great success with this concept and her kids seemed to begin to understand that some chores were just part of living, and other things made life a bit more comfortable and could increase their pocketbook. 

 

Another family had a problem during their Family Meeting because the kids kept complaining about each other.  So, she implemented a rule that if someone had a complaint, they had to submit it in writing.  Not only did their writing skills increase, but most of the time the kids would decide to forget about it as it took so much time to write it down.  In that way, they learned that some things were just better forgiven and forgotten. 

  

Marisue’s Hint:  Try to avoid the frivilous agenda items, yet realize that it is important to take your children’s input seriously.   Burping at the table may bother one, while nose picking may bother others. 

 

However, avoid fiery words such as “stealing,” “liar,” “hate,” “never” and “always” – these words can be “barn burners!”

 

 

 

After you have been holding family meetings for several months, you may notice that meeting day arrives and there is nothing on the agenda. Use that meeting for “freebies.”  Go to a movie, see a game, or do something that is spontaneous and unexpected.  

Reaching Agreement- To Vote or Not to Vote

I recommend striving for consensus rather than always voting.  It is worth finding solutions that everyone is happy with, even when this requires more time.

 

Consensus means that each solution should have 100 percent agreement among all family members before the next agenda item is taken up.

 

 

 

When consensus is hard to reach on a specific issue, the chairperson can ask if everyone agrees to end the discussion, but to have that issue be first on the agenda at the next meeting. Perhaps it is possible to reach consensus on a compromise. 

 

 

For example, one family had problems with deciding who would clean the bathtub.  No one wanted the chore.  We didn’t want to force the task on someone, and it seemed as if there was no solution to this problem, so the mom suggested that the tub be cleaned only every other week, and all could take turns.

 

 

No one liked the thought of taking a bath in a dirty tub, so attitudes were changed as they saw the result of the chore being skipped.  

 

The family finally came up with a plan that required whoever was bathing or showering to use a sponge and cleaner while they were in the tub and in that way it was left clean for the next person and it was automatic.  Everyone agreed to this compromised solution.  It was no “one’s” job because it was everyone’s job!

 

Marisue’s hint:  Parents, avoid being too eager to solve the problems.  Let the kids think it out.  After all, one of your major goals is to let kids learn the problem solving process.  It may be slow and tedious in the beginning but soon, they will reach solutions at lightning speed and you’ll be far behind their thinking!  In the beginning, make sympathetic murmurs, and let them think.  If they’re truly stuck, suggest they look things up in books, magazines, internet, or offer mild suggestions, not entire solutions that end up being “more information than they ever wanted to know.”

 

 

 

Value or Need? 

 

 

Consensus is also hard to reach when an item on the agenda is a conflict of values rather than a conflict of needs. If you think that your son’s hair is too long, or you don’t like your daughter’s choice of friends, it is important to realize that those are conflicts of values, and that your child’s behavior does not interfere with any of your own needs, assuming safety is not an issue in this respect. (Friends of bad influence; hair that distracts from driving safely or reading easily.)

 

 

 

Whether or not your child does his homework or eats his broccoli are also conflicts of values. (Again, this is a fine line as passing grades are necessary and so is good nutrition.)

 

 

Another value conflict is if you are bothered by the mess in your child’s own, private room. (An exception to this might be if you are trying to sell your home, and want it to look nice for prospective buyers, or germs are a real issue.)

 

 

The point is, when your children’s behavior has no tangible effect on you, it will be very difficult to gain their cooperation in changing that behavior.  This is tough to determine at times, because parents often want strict obedience “because they said so.”  I agree that sometimes the  kids just need to respect you and do what you wish.  Other times, I think parents can loosen up a slightly on things that don’t have safety or health involved. 

 

 

 

Try to keep the agendas of your family meetings centered around issues that have a tangible effect on you, such as issues of noise, use of the TV or the family car, help with chores, and messes in the common areas of your home.

 

 

 

 

Teaching by Example

 

When parents ask me how they can influence their children to adopt good values, I reply that the most effective way to share your values is to model them in your own life.   If you live what you believe,  your children will be more likely to adopt your personal values, because they will respect you and might be able to see the benefit of the values, over time.

 

 

 

However, it is important to realize that some of their values may be different from yours. For example, I enjoy having my room tidy and free of clutter. Although my daughter, like me, kept her bedroom fairly neat, my sons did not. I finally decided that I would let some of the clutter go, as long as the family didn’t suffer for it. 

 

If he was constantly late because he couldn’t find his belongings, he suffered.  Yet, how long is it healthy or helpful to let a child constantly be late?  What is allowing that to happen teaching him? 

 

A child cannot be allowed to set their own values at early ages if they are overall harmful to their futures, and I’ve never found that sloppiness teaches anything good.

 

 

 

Again, after parenting dozens and dozens of children, I developed a much different theory than the “professional counselors” who said a child’s dirty room should not bother the parent.  Wrong.  Stepping over a few clothes is one thing.  Letting habits form around disorganization, clutter, scraps of trash and food, is not good for the child or family.  Clutter effects moods, so its not about invading their privacy.  Invade and clean it up!   Help them if they can’t do it and charge for your time, but clean rooms are important for healthy mental attitudes. 

 

What will happen when their boss has expectations for an organized work environment, but they can’t see the importance of that so they lose their job?  Parents, get involved and teach our kids how to function in the home environment.  It’s their preparation for the world.

 

 

 

Family Talk

  

Another advantage of family meetings is that they eliminate the need for nagging. If a solution is not followed during the week, the person who notices this can simply write the item on the agenda again. At the next meeting, the family can discuss the consequences of not following the agreed-upon rules until a consensus is reached on that.

 

Example:  A friend of mine solves her cluttered living room problem through use of the Agenda and Family Meeting.  She had a problem with her children leaving their shoes, jackets, backpacks, books, and toys in the living room, so she wrote ’stuff in living room’ on the agenda.

 

 

During the next meeting she gave a clear “I-message” statement describing how the clutter was affecting her.  She stated that this mess bothered her, she was embarrassed when friends came to visit, and she was afraid she’d eventually stumble over the items.

 

 

 

She asked for everyone’s help in finding a solution. Her children replied that they were very tired after school and didn’t want to walk all the way to their rooms to put their belongings away. After much discussion, we finally came to an agreement that they could drop their belongings in the living room when they came home from school, but put them away by dinnertime each day. One of the children went a step further and decorated boxes for each person’s belongings, which turned into a family activity. 

 

This worked beautifully at first, but after about a week, her children started forgetting to use the boxes.  Instead of nagging them, she simply wrote it on the Agenda again. At the next meeting, they asked her to just remind them, but she  replied that it took too much of her time to remind them of something they were old enough to do on their own and it transfered the problem to her.  She didn’t like to nag and knew they wouldn’t like it either.

 

 

 

Instead, she suggested that they could have some kind of nonverbal reminder.  Her children had previously agreed to take turns setting the table, so one of them proposed that whoever set the table would put something at the place of anyone who had left a mess in the living room. 

 

The final decision on the non-verbal reminder was to simply turn the person’s plate upside down as a gentle reminder that their belongings were scattered and needed to be put in the box before they ate.  Everyone agreed to this.

 

One day, soon after this discussion, her daughter noticed that her brother had left his dirty socks in the living room, and gleefully (oops!  careful with the “aha! Caught ya!” attitude…) turned his plate upside down. Another day, she was surprised to see her own plate upside down, and noticed that she had left some packages on the living-room floor.

 

 

It is important to remember that consequences apply to adults as well as to children. Gradually, habits were formed at least with this issue.  She said even now that her children are grown, when they return home they will turn the plate over for various infractions…with fondness for those memories. 

 

It’s helpful to use the Family Meeting to discuss consequences for certain behaviors; kids will often come up with penalties parents would think were too strict.  While parents are still in charge, letting kids pick their “punishment” to a certain degree is helpful. 

 

 

I don’t believe parenting is a democracy, but input from family members is a great way to strengthen family bonds and build wholesome and lasting connections with family members.  It is well worth the time and effort to reach mutually agreeable solutions.   When people-even children- are allowed to self govern as much as possible, rules and consequences are more often obeyed. 

 

 

Advantages of Family Meetings

  

There are many advantages to having family meetings.

• Appreciations and praise help to enhance self-esteem and contribute to family cohesiveness.
• Fights and arguments between siblings generally decrease
• You will find that behaviors improve
• Close Family Ties increase
• A stronger sense of responsibility is created
• Cooperation occurs more frequently. 

On mother reported that her daughter spontaneously decided to organize one of the kitchen drawers, even though it had never been discussed as a chore at a Family Meeting.  What!  Maturity???

 

The long-term effects of family meetings are also numerous.

• Parents who raise their children allowing input from them
• Approach discipline positively
• Increase their attention to children’s feelings and needs will…

usually find that their children rebel less during adolescence. The parent/child relationship remains one of mutual respect, with each person willing to honor the other’s needs.

 

 

Through the use of the Family Meeting, many families report fewer conflicts during their kids’ teen years. Finally, through the process itself, children learn

• Valuable communication skills
• Patience 
• Conflict-resolution skills,
• How to be a member of a group
• Sacrifice for the good of all
• Respect for self and others

Hold those imperfect but all important Family Meetings, and watch your family pull together.  Here’s to strong, lasting connections!

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