by Marisue Alsobrook

Are You Parenting in the Fast Food Lane?  Do you find that your parenting time seems Hit and Miss?  These 5 Parenting Basics can keep your family from melting down from busy schedules, stress, and life’s daily trials.

Introduction: No one is any busier than a working parent, unless it’s a single working parent.  With our desire to give quality time to our children or spouse, we may be tempted to leave a few other  parenting tasks out, as we try to get everything done.  It’s hard.  After parenting my own 3 boys and over 250 foster children over the last 18 years, I have seen the poor and painful results of shortcut parenting.  With regret, I’ve walked those steps sometimes myself; we all have.

I’m not blaming parents, entirely.   Pressures in life today are enormous.  It’s easy to slip into electronic babysitting, by letting games, tv, computers, and movies take the place of ”us”  as we rush around trying to put the house in order, do the laundry, pay the bills or steal a moment to breathe. 

Quality Time

Fast food is frequently the meal for the night as moms, dads, or single parents fight exhaustion.  Conversation with our kids can be described as murmuring moments; before we realize it, night has fallen and our time with them was spent fussing to get them to sleep.  Quality time?  Hardly.

We want to do better, our desires are good.  We can make huge differences with our famililes if we take time now to plan ahead and make some decisions about our routine and our life.  I’ve discovered that a few routine basic parenting or family behaviors can be the shield that keeps kids protected from the world and anchors them by helping them to feel loved and important.  These basics can fend off what attacks their values and beliefs at school, in the next door neighbor’s house, or in our own living rooms from computers and television. 

Using these few basic principles designed around the family can keep you and your children balanced.  Of course, you can always add more parenting anchors, as you think of them and have time, but these steps can be lasting connections for you, your children and your spouse.

Busy Parents’ Basics Begin Here:

      1.  Create a Positive Wake Up Routine.

This is enormously important for toddlers to teens.  If you have to wake up 30 minutes or an hour earlier to get yourself going, do it.  When your kids are getting up, it’s so important for you to already be dressed, have something on the table that’s good to eat, and be in a good mood and focused on them.  Helping the kids with their morning is your main game in that moment.  It’s about them, you as a family, and it’s vital to the success of the day.  No shortcuts, got it?

It’s that important.  How we start the day, how we go out that door, sticks to us like glue.  If you have toddlers, begin your days by gently waking them up, smiling with them, and feeding them a nutritious breakfast.  

Remember the Pillsbury commercials and the jingle “Nothin’ says lovin’ like somethin’ from the oven…?”  It’s true.  My mother could get us up in a flash when we smelled her cinnamon biscuits.  My mouth waters, thinking about it. 

Take the time to create a pleasant atmosphere, be organized, and use music or a nature tv program running in the background to help set the mood.  Starting happy routines now will create much smoother mornings for the teens years, I promise you. 

Many children in our home came from families who had screaming beginnings and endings to the day.  I remember one toddler who always woke up crying.  It set our whole family’s nerves on edge.  No telling what they were remembering, but who wants to listen to a screaming two-year old every morning?

We began to change that behavior when we started waking her up gently with little back pats, her sippy cup of milk, and soft music.  I would literally go into her room, start a cd for babies and turn on a dim light.  Then, in about 10 minutes, I would go in with a sippy cup of slightly cool milk.  Next, I would give her little comforting comments, and soft back pats.  Gradually, she would sit up, wipe her face with the warm wash cloth I had handy, and come into the kitchen with a small smile. 

Early habits are memories that shape kid’s personalities.  As foster parents, it was very difficult to re-mold these little people who had such rough starts.  Being an example of happiness in the morning is not easy but it’s a must.   Attitudes for the day begin early, at home.  Kids do what they see.  Making great effort now, will save you many heartaches in the years ahead.

I know there were mornings I yelled at my own kids when they were grumpy teens and as they got out of the car and faced the mental and sometimes physical “war zone” in the halls of middle school, my heart would sink as I realized what was in their head as they left my side.  There were times when I would go back to school, bringing them a special lunch treat, apologize and tell them briefly what they meant to me with a look or a hug.  Make a decision to keep patience and positive words in your attitude and mouth as you interact with your children in the mornings. 

      2.  If you’re a working parent, when you come in the door, leave your work thoughts in the car. 

Focus on kids, dinner, home.  In that order.  Talk to them, sit down with them like you have all the time in the world.  Even if you get back up in 5 minutes or so, the act of actually sitting down says  “I’m here.  You’re here.  Let’s chat.”  Asking “How was your day?” or “Tell me about your day.” is powerful.  If it’s part of your routine, they will participate more and more as time goes on.  Then, if you’re pressed for time, move the conversation into the kitchen while you prepare dinner, soliciting their help.  This family time is a strong anchor in life’s storms. 

Our house was full of kids and many conversations were going at once around mealtime.  Our goal was to keep it light, so if anyone brought up something deeper than light in the conversation, we’d ask them to help us to remember to hear “the rest of the story” later in the evening.  A couple of things to keep in mind is to not let any one person dominate the flow of conversation; focus on just being together and getting dinner on the table. 

Chores were never ending, dividing up the work is a must, but don’t be distracted by just chore conversation.  We need to know about their thoughts, their day, their ideas.  How many times have horrible things happened to our young people, and parents say “I had no idea he/she was thinking that.”  Talk and listen.  Save your own tasks for later in the evening.  Sorry, no parenting shortcuts just because you work and have less time.  Crisis can strike quickly.

I know most families seem to eat on foot anymore, and if that must be what happens in order to get to after school events, see if you can at least have one or two sit down meals a week.  Some families  choose to do Saturday lunches together or Thursday evenings.  If sports is demanding so much of your time that you can’t eat together even once, something needs to change.  No matter what, make it happen at least once a week.  Even if you’re grabbing food and eating it in the car, try to make it the time when you’re listening to the kids.  They need to know that they have your attention in the evenings, at least for an hour or two.

      3.  End the day with a positive feeling. 

Create a “going to your room routine” for the kids.  Even my big ol’ strappin’ boys knew we expected that evening hug, kiss on the cheek and them naming at least one positive thing about the day.  Sometimes, if we forgot, they would come back into our room saying “oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, the best thing about today was ….coming home.”  or “The best thing about today was getting out of my last class.”   What they resisted in the beginning, eventually became what they needed to do to end their day. 

Keep it simple, and keep it positive, and keep it happening.  Simple, positive routines can erase a lot of pain.

      4.  Use the weekends to build connections for the coming week (and YEARS.)

By that, I mean, resist temptation to crash on the weekends, sleep too much or too little, or be too focused on your own schedule.  Plan ahead.  Letting the kids attend their parties, sports, or sleep-overs basically unsupervised because you’re tired or busy is a ticket to disaster.  Trouble can occur quickly with our teens and younger children.  Their need for “parent time” is great, so again, if you have to get up early to complete your tasks, do it.  NO shortcuts on weekend time. 

Now, that doesn’t mean you can’t get your things done, but plan it so that you’ve talked to the kids; watched a movie with them; met their friends; understand their plans, and are awake enough to have clear, enforced curfews. 

I remember scarey things happened when my husband and I were distracted by our own schedules.  Teens can get into trouble in a heart beat if our attention is on something else.  It bears repeating, “Parents, think ahead!”  You can avoid many troubled, heartbreaking moments by adopting an “If I do this, they’ll do that” mentality. 

Sometimes my kids would complain “You are so suspicious.  You don’t trust me.”  My reply would always and predictably be “That’s why I qualified for this great paying parenting job.”  I had no sympathy for their complaints about my double checking or saying “what if.”  As parents, we have to know.  Will you leave your kids to “chance?”  Absolutely not. 

      5.  Teach by Example. 

Think about how you look to your children.  Be the kind of parent you really want to be, regardless of how they are behaving in the moment.  We shouldn’t react to their rudeness, returning comment for comment.  Be the adult.  Be someone you are truly proud of, and they will respond.  Much of how we parent today, is not rewarded until many tomorrows.  Time passes much more quickly than you think, and one day, they are gone from the home and you are left with the echos of yesterday.

Yes, You can!

These 5 tips will put you on a good, strong path.  Beginning the day well, giving kids your full attention at the start and at the end, with good conversation around eating times can anchor you during stormy times, storms you might not even see coming.  More and more families are experiencing tough times, from budget strains, health issues, and negative influences on our kids, we’ve got to fight back.  Preparation is key; it’s worth the effort.  Put on the armor of togetherness.  Families are Forever.

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